How now, peeps? I’m thrilled to be able to announce that Shabbycardigan is preparing to stage abridged versions of all of William Shakespeare’s plays together as a merged theatrical extravaganza.
In the interest of time, and to ensure that theatergoers don’t enter a REM sleep state during the show, Shabbycardigan will perform only the first sentence from each act of each play. Needless to say, this will be a delightfully befuddling theatrical experience.
The audience’s confusion will be heightened by the fact that Shabbycardigan will play all of the parts. And she has never been able to emit any voices other than the one she squeaks out in “normal” conversation. (Although, conversations involving Shabbycardigan are rarely considered normal, even by Shalampaxian standards.)
Read more…
You’ve got to hand it to Asskisser. Her business acumen is unimpeachable. And when I say “You’ve got to hand it to Asskisser,” by “it” I mean all of your money because, one way or another, she’s going to get it one of these days anyway.
A while back, I told you about Asskisser’s new asbestos mining and mesothelioma lawsuit businesses. They are going gangbusters. In fact, she has literally busted a few gangs. But that’s another story. Never mind. Enough said, if you know what I mean.
Fabulously successful though she may already be, Asskisser is not willing to rest on her laurels. She is already expanding her law firm. She recently announced that, effective immediately, her firm is aggressively pursuing medical malpractice suits. Of course she’ll be working for the plaintiffs, not the defendants. That is, after all, where the money is. And Asskisser is certainly someone who fully appreciates the value of civil law—or uncivil law whenever necessary to win her case.
Read more…
Hey peeps, long time no peep.
Shalampaxians are known for their financial wizardry. Most of us are masters of business. (Then again, much of what’s called business in Shalampax is called an indictable offence elsewhere.) Nonetheless, there is one dollar-dullard in Shalampax, Shreddeddollar. His name is purely coincidental.
Not able to control his spending, Shreddeddollar owed large sums of money to several banks, credit card companies and loan sharks. Desperate and near suicidal, he turned to a local loan consolidator, Credit SeaPredators, Inc., for help.
Read more…
Asskisser, one of Shalampax’s most innovative and successful businesspeople, is busy executing one of her biggest, boldest business brainstorms yet. She is quietly buying up as many of the world’s asbestos mines as she can get her hands on.
Of course, I don’t mean literally “get her hands on.” That stuff is almost certainly carcinogenic. Mesothelioma is a particular concern, among other deadly cancers. But you get my point.
Read more…
I am pleased to report that most Shalampaxians have emaciated themselves into accepting the inescapable truth that forsaking their devout worship of God 148 is the only sane and survivable course of action, despite the inevitability of being denounced as infidels and shunned by those few souls who are still pious in their God 148ly beliefs and deeds. Consequently, the apostates are now on the road to recovery with the help of a much needed, greatly appreciated orgy of gluttonous feasting.
However, because they discovered that they have a fundamental personal shortcoming, not all of my compatriots have been able to follow my path in going cold turkey and completely giving up on religion. Deprived of the benefit of the excuse of God 148′s insistence on strict observance of Her full-week-minus-a-second Sabbath, they are incapable of finding their own reasons for sloth. Rather than forsaking all God-given excuses for indolence and thereby being expected to work what, in most of the developed world, would be considered to be a full workweek, many have reverted fully to Paahlmism, but others have moved their spiritual allegiances a single God down the line in the infinite hierarchy of Infinitiaty’s Gods. They now worship God 147.
Read more…
Something strange has been happening here in Shalampax. And, until recently, I haven’t been able to explain it. We used to be overrun with cockroaches.
The little buggers thrived here because, although we hated them, we were too lazy to do anything about them. Nobody ever vacuumed or swept their apartments because that was too much work. And extermination? That would require way too much effort.
Rather than feeling shame over our slovenly ways that fostered the cockroach infestation, we tried to boost our self-esteem by telling ourselves that the pests were really pets. Pets have to be fed, don’t they? By leaving food droppings where they lay we were simply feeding our pets, which, of course, was the humane thing to do. We anxiously awaited our commendation from PETA.
Read more…
