Shalampax Speaks

Many free, democratic countries maintain a separation of church and state. I think that is foolish.

Here in Shalampax, Paahlm, our God, always enters into legislative considerations. To my mind, that is exactly the way it should be. Otherwise, we’d have a lot fewer statutory holidays.

What would be the point of that? I mean, come on. What the hell good is religion if it doesn’t get you lots of time off work?

Get serious, people. Keep religion in the state. Get more holidays. It’s that simple. Do the right thing.

Sprituality church, holidays, state

One of the biggest—probably the biggest—of Spams R Us’ barriers to sales is the trust or, rather, lack of trust factor. I know it’s hard to believe, but some companies that sell goods and services primarily by email are less than scrupulously honest. Many people recognize this and, unfortunately, Spams R Us is often tarred with the same brush as those other companies.

Spams R Us thinks it’s come up with a way to leap over the lack-of-trust barrier to dramatically increase its sales. Effective immediately, everything that Spams R Us sells will come with an unconditional lifetime guarantee.

That’s right if, at any time during a product’s lifetime, the product should fail to deliver as promised, Spams R Us will replace the product at absolutely no cost to the customer. The lifetime of the product is defined as the instant the customer buys the product to one instant before it fails in any way to deliver what Spams R Us promised it would deliver.

Thanks to this new lifetime guarantee you will never again have to suffer the aggravation of filing warrantee claims and fighting to have those claims fulfilled. Don’t you feel more comfortable about buying from Spams R Us already?

Business lifetime guarantee

Is the Shalampax parliament productive or what? Our Members of Parliament have been back for only a week after the more than two-months-long prorogation of Parliament and they have already passed a new law.

Effective immediately, it is illegal to keep a live woolly mammoth in your apartment in Shalampax. An exception is granted if, when treating an emotional disorder, a psychiatrist or psychologist prescribes the keeping of a live woolly mammoth for companionship.

It’s great to see that our Members of Parliament are scrupulously ensuring that they have all bases covered, no matter how unlikely the contingencies may be.

Government wooly mammoths

OK folks, here’s a little trivia question for you: What do Aristotle, Socrates, Plato, da Vinci, Rembrandt, Michelangelo, Gauguin, Cézanne, Van Gogh, Rodin, Tchaikovsky, Mozart, Vivaldi, Bach, Wagner, Genghis Khan, Freud, Copernicus, Galileo, Einstein, Napoleon, Hitler, Stalin, Churchill, Washington, Lincoln, Kennedy and Obama all have in common?

Give up? The answer is that they are all famous names that are totally unfamiliar to more than 90 percent of the Shalampaxian population.

Here’s a follow-on question: What other world-famous, non-Shalampaxian names belong on that list? If you answered, “all of them,” give yourself some bonus points. Oh, what the heck? Seeing as though they have no monetary value and can’t be redeemed for anything whatsoever, give yourself a million bonus points. I’m feeling generous today.

If this leads you to believe that Shalampaxians are the least informed people on the planet, I have one question for you: You haven’t been paying attention all this time, have you? Either that or you are new to this blog. Get with it.

Miscellaneous famous people

I have an apology to make. I was supposed to tell you this more than a month ago, but it totally slipped my mind. February 6 was Memory Impairment Awareness Day in Shalampax. On that day we were supposed to recognize the devastation of the various diseases and conditions that lead to severe memory loss.

I was also supposed to make an appeal for some charitable organization or another that is collecting donations to fund research that is searching cures for those diseases. Or maybe it’s funding treatments or care; I’ve forgotten which. Unfortunately, I can’t recall the name of that organization, but it will probably come to me eventually—or not.

I apologize for not telling you about this on or before Memory Impairment Awareness Day this year. I’ll try to remember next year, but don’t count on it.

Events memory, memory loss

It’s only about a week and a half until St. Patrick’s Day. This is a really big deal for a lot of people. I’ve heard that there are folks who even drink green beer and turn rivers green in honor of the day.

I’m not sure what happens when you urinate after drinking green beer, and I don’t want to know. But the fact that people are willing to do that proves just how huge a festivity St. Patrick’s day is.

With this holiday almost upon us and the excitement starting to build toward the big day, it’s not too early to note that Shalampaxians don’t give a damn about St. Patrick’s Day. So don’t expect to see any further mention about it here. Enough said.

Events Saint Patrick's Day, St. Patrick's Day