Shalampax Speaks

The Parliament of Shalampax is currently undertaking a thorough review of our nation’s environmental policies. Nothing is finalized yet, but a bold new strategy is being proposed.

The plan is to import significant quantities of the most dirty-burning fuel available, buy several internal combustion engines, and then run those engines non-stop, around the clock. The engines won’t actually drive anything.

Shalampax will then shut off or reduce the operating hours of one or more of the engines in return for other nations buying carbon credits from us.

We will accept whatever price the international market sets for carbon credits. If there is more market demand for carbon credits than what Shalampax has on offer, we will buy more internal combustion engines. This will give us more engines that we can shut off, creating more carbon credits to sell.

Miscellaneous carbon credits, climate change, environment, environmental policy, greenhouse gases

Although it wasn’t known when our building was constructed, it has recently come to light that Shalampax is in an earthquake-prone zone. Because our building was not built to withstand earthquakes, a major quake would almost certainly bring the massive stone blocks that form our building’s walls crashing down on our heads.

Emergency preparedness experts typically advise that, in the event of an earthquake, you should not panic. This is not the recommendation of the Shalampax government.

Everyone in our building would almost certainly die in the event of a major quake. Our island is so small that there would likely be no place to escape the crashing boulders. And because of the sharp rocks surrounding our island and the near perpetual stormy seas, heading out into the ocean to escape the destruction will almost certainly be lethal as well.

Consequently, whether you remain calm or panic, the result will inevitably be the same: death. As a result, in the event of an earthquake, Shalampaxians are advised to do whatever comes naturally, regardless of whether that is experiencing sheer terror, entering into a Zen-like state, or anything in between. You might as well be yourself if you only have a few seconds left to live.

Have a nice day.

Miscellaneous earthquakes

Many free, democratic countries maintain a separation of church and state. I think that is foolish.

Here in Shalampax, Paahlm, our God, always enters into legislative considerations. To my mind, that is exactly the way it should be. Otherwise, we’d have a lot fewer statutory holidays.

What would be the point of that? I mean, come on. What the hell good is religion if it doesn’t get you lots of time off work?

Get serious, people. Keep religion in the state. Get more holidays. It’s that simple. Do the right thing.

Sprituality church, holidays, state

One of the biggest—probably the biggest—of Spams R Us’ barriers to sales is the trust or, rather, lack of trust factor. I know it’s hard to believe, but some companies that sell goods and services primarily by email are less than scrupulously honest. Many people recognize this and, unfortunately, Spams R Us is often tarred with the same brush as those other companies.

Spams R Us thinks it’s come up with a way to leap over the lack-of-trust barrier to dramatically increase its sales. Effective immediately, everything that Spams R Us sells will come with an unconditional lifetime guarantee.

That’s right if, at any time during a product’s lifetime, the product should fail to deliver as promised, Spams R Us will replace the product at absolutely no cost to the customer. The lifetime of the product is defined as the instant the customer buys the product to one instant before it fails in any way to deliver what Spams R Us promised it would deliver.

Thanks to this new lifetime guarantee you will never again have to suffer the aggravation of filing warrantee claims and fighting to have those claims fulfilled. Don’t you feel more comfortable about buying from Spams R Us already?

Business lifetime guarantee

Is the Shalampax parliament productive or what? Our Members of Parliament have been back for only a week after the more than two-months-long prorogation of Parliament and they have already passed a new law.

Effective immediately, it is illegal to keep a live woolly mammoth in your apartment in Shalampax. An exception is granted if, when treating an emotional disorder, a psychiatrist or psychologist prescribes the keeping of a live woolly mammoth for companionship.

It’s great to see that our Members of Parliament are scrupulously ensuring that they have all bases covered, no matter how unlikely the contingencies may be.

Government wooly mammoths

OK folks, here’s a little trivia question for you: What do Aristotle, Socrates, Plato, da Vinci, Rembrandt, Michelangelo, Gauguin, Cézanne, Van Gogh, Rodin, Tchaikovsky, Mozart, Vivaldi, Bach, Wagner, Genghis Khan, Freud, Copernicus, Galileo, Einstein, Napoleon, Hitler, Stalin, Churchill, Washington, Lincoln, Kennedy and Obama all have in common?

Give up? The answer is that they are all famous names that are totally unfamiliar to more than 90 percent of the Shalampaxian population.

Here’s a follow-on question: What other world-famous, non-Shalampaxian names belong on that list? If you answered, “all of them,” give yourself some bonus points. Oh, what the heck? Seeing as though they have no monetary value and can’t be redeemed for anything whatsoever, give yourself a million bonus points. I’m feeling generous today.

If this leads you to believe that Shalampaxians are the least informed people on the planet, I have one question for you: You haven’t been paying attention all this time, have you? Either that or you are new to this blog. Get with it.

Miscellaneous famous people