Shalampax Speaks

Believe it or not, I recently became bored while sitting around watching television. This shocked me because my philosophy has always been that when you’re tired of television and junk food, you’re tired of life. Nonetheless, I was bored.

My boredom was disconcerting and I was perplexed about what to do to overcome it. Then, the other day, I found what I thought might be an answer.

While having a bowel movement, I read a newspaper article that I downloaded off the Web. That’s not what relieved my boredom. (Although the bowel movement did relieve me.)

It is not surprising that I read the article while having a bowel movement. That’s the only time I read. I sometimes get badly constipated and won’t read anything for a few days. Fortunately, I make up for it when I have diarrhea. But I digress.

It’s what I read in the article that gave me an idea as to how to relieve my ennui. According to the article, tea parties are now all the rage in the United States.

This surprised me because tea parties struck me as a very Victorian sort of social gathering, but I thought, what the heck? It’s worth a try.

I called up a few of my friends and asked them to join me. They were flabbergasted and furious when I told them that I didn’t plan to serve anything stronger than tea, but they humored me after I told them that tea parties had become de rigueur in America.

When I said those words, I was a little concerned about whether the “de rigueur in America” argument would work. I seriously doubt that any of my friends have any idea what de rigueur means. However, people here are impressed when you throw in a little French, even if it’s meaningless to them. If they’re a member of the opposite sex, or of the same sex and so inclined, they’re even more impressed if you French kiss them.

Because I’m a slow reader and I never read any more than I can finish during my crap, I didn’t get much information about the American tea parties from the article. And, being a Shalampaxian, I was too lazy to investigate any further. But, as far as I understood them, I think I followed the American tea-party format fairly closely.

The picture accompanying the article I read showed people praying at the start of their tea party. This seemed bizarre to me, but I didn’t want to spoil the experience by deviating from the prescribed tea-party formula.

We prayed to Paahlm, our God, and then had a cup of tea. Despite our praying, the tea tasted the same to me as tea has always tasted whenever I’ve made it.

Then I remembered reading that most of the people in the American tea-party movement are white Christians. I figured that must be the problem. We’re white, so we had that part covered, but we were praying to Paahlm, not the Christian God. To correct that error we prayed again, this time to the Christian God rather than Paahlm, and had another cup of tea. Again, the flavor of the tea had not altered in the least from its usual Orange Pekoeness.

We tried once more. This time we prayed to the Christian God’s only son, Jesus Christ, and drank yet another cup of tea. There was still no noticeable effect.

I decided that maybe it wasn’t about the tea at all. I suggested that we try another element in the American tea-party ritual, but, after drinking all of that tea, we needed to take a bathroom break first.

After finishing peeing, I told my friends that there tends to be a lot of talking at these tea parties and maybe we should utter some of the same words that the people there utter.

As I understand it, the people at the American tea parties chant things like, “I’ve got mine and the rest of you can screw off.” As best I can tell, “the rest of you” refers to anyone who can’t afford to come to the tea party. I’m not sure what the “mine” refers to, but I think it’s something more substantial than tea.

My guests included a few very rich leaders of our spam and cult religion companies. They had no problem with the chant as it is already their core personal philosophy. However, the chant stuck in my throat because I don’t yet have mine—whatever that may be—and, despite knocking myself out writing for this lousy blog, I just barely make ends meet.

I should note that I had tried, but failed, to inject even more American flavor into my tea party. I invited Sarah Palin to come. I heard she’s a much sought after tea-party guest in the United States, but she didn’t respond to my invitation.

Sarah Palin was probably too busy moose-hunting to come to a tea party in Shalampax. Either that or the fact that we usually eat foreigners who come here might have frightened her off. Just to be clear, when I say “eat foreigners” I mean that in the cannibalism sense, not the street vernacular oral sex sense. You might find this hard to believe, but our cannibalism often causes any foreigners who lack courage and a sense of adventure to avoid our island.

Events Sarah Palin, tea party, tea-party movement

Here’s a fact that you probably don’t know. And you won’t hear it anywhere else. Thorough searches of the patent databases of all major industrialized countries shows that not a single patent has ever been issued to a Shalampaxian.

You might conclude from this that Shalampaxians are not the least bit innovative. You would be wrong. We have innovativeness up the wazoo, whatever the hell that means.

Another pertinent statistic is much more difficult to verify, but the margin is enormous enough to say confidently that, on a per capita basis, Shalampaxians have originated more successful innovative scams than citizens of any other country.

For some reason, patent offices are not willing to register patents on our scam business processes, despite the fact that they are novel, useful and non-obvious.

Who knew that they patent authorities were so small-minded? Go figure.

Miscellaneous innovation, innovative, patents, scams

As we look at the pathetic situation in much of the world—terrorist bombings, civil wars, sectarian violence, domestic violence, murders, rapes, hate, extreme political polarization, intolerance, really asinine blogs, etc.—we should always remember the words of the person who was probably Shalampax’s greatest Prime Minister.

I can’t remember who he or she was or what he or she said, but I’m sure it was relevant and profound. Hell, it might have even been helpful. But, because no one can remember, we’ll probably never know and it clearly didn’t do the world one damned bit of good.

Never mind.

Miscellaneous sayings, violence, war

Rottentomato, owner of Shalampax’s Most Expensive Restaurant, has asked me to let his patrons and prospective patrons know that cockroaches are exceptionally tasty right now.

What’s more, because all of the cockroaches in his dishes are free-range insects, rather than being factory farmed, their treatment is much more humane than would otherwise be the case. In addition, because the cockroaches are local, rather than imported, no greenhouse gases—other than the carbon dioxide exhaled by Rottentomato and his staff as they breath and some methane as they fart—are emitted to deliver these tasty treats to your table.

Rottentomato reports that the current sanitary conditions in his kitchen have produced a particularly plentiful batch of plump cockroaches. Because of their abundance, Rottentomato can offer them for what are, for his restaurant, very reasonable prices.

To allow his customers to enjoy the current batch of cockroaches to its fullest, Rottentomato has added specials to his menu in addition to the normal cockroach-based items. The appetizer special is a cockroach pâté served on a bed of aged lettuce. For a main course, customers can choose a spicy, mouse-turd-studded cockroach stew. And the dessert special is cockroach flambé on fusty cheesecake.

But be warned, you have to hurry in to enjoy these delicious treats at the current low prices. Rottentomato is due perform the biennial cleaning of his kitchen next week. After that, the cockroaches won’t be quite as plentiful or well-fed for another two years.

Miscellaneous cockroaches

Many people slog through their lives riddled with angst while seeking answers to life’s great questions. Some people find solace in religion.

Here in Shalampax, Paahlmism is the dominant and official religion. It is our religion that frees us from thinking about life’s unanswered, seemingly unanswerable, momentous questions. In fact, it frees us from thinking. Period. This explains a lot about Shalampax.

For us, Paahlm is the answer. Now, if we only had the slightest of clues as to what question It answers, then we’d really have something.

Sprituality religion, thinking, thought

Spams R Us, Shalampax’s leading spam company, has devised an exciting way for people outside the company to participate in the enormous profits available from spam.

The company will shortly begin to divide its spam mailings into batches of 10 million emails each. The company will then sell to the general public up to 10 shares in each of these batches. Owners of each share will receive 10 percent of the net profits, after expenses, from their spam batch. Spams R Us may sell all 10 shares of a particular batch to the public or it may retain some or all of them for its own account.

Each batch will contain a single email sent to 10 million addresses. The price of the share of a batch will depend on what the batch’s email promotes—male enhancement potions, breast enlargement lotions, cheap pharmaceuticals, inheritance unlocking plans, etc.

The price of a share will vary depending on the average historical profit of that type of spam. The price will be set such that, based on historical averages, investors should expect to make about a 20 percent return on their investments.

Of course, as they say, past performance is not necessarily an accurate indicator of future returns. Some people may or may not see investment returns of significantly greater than 20 percent and some might achieve lower returns. In no case will any investor lose more than his or her initial investment, however there is no guarantee that there will be any profit or that any of the original investment will be returned.

To protect the trade secrets of Spams R Us, the release of which might negatively affect the profitability of the company’s spam and, therefore the return on investors’ investments, Spams R Us will divulge spam share prices only to individuals who sign a nondisclosure agreement. In addition, the company will assume full responsibility for recording sales of shares, tracking revenues received, and calculating the resulting profits. To protect the confidentiality of this proprietary data, outside auditors will not be allowed to review the raw data.

If you would like to invest in this spam plan, please state your interest in a comment on this blog post. This is an amazing way to benefit from spam, in addition, of course, to buying the unbelievably valuable products and services promoted by the spam!

Spams R Us will be sending out one billion emails promoting this spam share program next week and an additional billion the following week. Unfortunately, that is too soon for the company to be able to sell shares in the spam mailings promoting this incredible investment.

Business spam