Shalampax Speaks

Beginning with the next school year, the Shalampax school board will require that all grade ten students take a full-year course on the Egyptian god Horus. Historians have traced the cult of Horus back to at least 2700 BC.

The story of Horus is noted for its similarities to the story of Christ. Consequently, because Horus predated Christ, some people think that at least some portions of Christianity evolved from the Horus story.

Today, there are no known serious followers of Horus. However, no one has checked the mental health institutions for instances of inane (or insane) followers. So, who knows?

Many people cannot understand why the school board would include a mandatory course on an extinct religion in its curriculum. A Shalampax school board spokesperson explained it by saying, “It is only by examining our past that we can understand our present and help to shape our future. By studying the antecedents of today’s religions and secular philosophies we can see the roots of their evolution and, in doing so, better comprehend their underlying driving forces.”

The spokesperson went on to say, “More important, eBay had a tremendous price for used textbooks on Horus. They were a lot cheaper than any mathematics, chemistry, physics, biology or geography books that we could find. It was, therefore, the sensible thing to do.”

Education Christ, Christianity, courses, curriculum, Education, Horus, school

Hey peeps, you’ll never guess who is garnering attention again or, I should say, trying to garner attention again. That’s right, it’s our own little celebrity-in-her-own-mind, Openfly.

Get this. Openfly is determined to be interviewed on air by Oprah. Yes, you read that right. Openfly wants to be interviewed by that non-Shalampaxian, richer-than-rich, mega-super-star, Oprah.

What could have ever led Openfly to believe she might get an Oprah interview is totally beyond me.

True, Openfly is the most beautiful woman in Shalampax, but that’s not much of a competitive field, now is it? In international beauty contests, most Shalampaxian women would lose to a malformed piece of haggis. It wouldn’t even be close.

Openfly might tie. Maybe.

Nor does Openfly have any discernable talent. She did once embark on a singing career, but she failed at that miserably.

Don’t get me wrong. Shalampaxians appreciated her vocal efforts. Shalampax used to be infested with rats. We serendipitously eliminated that problem when Openfly started to sing. The rats all committed suicide, as did a few Shalampaxian humans.

No one has seen her try, but dance isn’t likely to be Openfly’s forte either. She’s hardly the most graceful, coordinated or vertically stable person in the world. It’s believed that she can barely walk a straight line when sober. Of course, that’s only a working theory because no one has ever seen her sober.

Acting? I don’t think so. She can’t get people to believe her even when she’s telling the truth. She could be moments away from starving to death and restaurateurs would turn her away because they wouldn’t believe she was actually hungry and willing to buy anything. So giving convincing performances of any kind is probably out of the question for her. (Then again, when she asks bartenders for drinks there is no doubting her sincerity, so maybe there is some hope for her.)

I wish her luck, but I seriously doubt Openfly will succeed in her attempt to be interviewed by Oprah. In the off-chance that I’m wrong, I trust that Openfly will have the good sense to let the Shalampax government PR people know about her upcoming interview. The Government of Shalampax has been trying for years to hack into Oprah’s bank account. They’ve been unsuccessful so far but any information about Oprah, no matter how seemingly trivial, might help.

Gossip celebrity, interview, Oprah, talent

The Government of Shalampax today announced that it would join the European Union, Canada, Australia and, in fact, the vast majority of countries in the free world in abolishing capital punishment.

This decision is of little practical application as most Shalampaxians are far too lazy to do anything that is considered to be a crime in Shalampax. (Most forms of fraud are not merely legal here, but also vigorously encouraged.) We don’t allow any foreigners to visit our republic so crimes are rarely committed in Shalampax. Thus, there has been little cause for punishment, capital or otherwise.

Before one reads too much into this pronouncement on the part of the government, it should be noted that the decision was not taken for moral, ethical or political reasons. It was purely practical.

The shift key on our judge’s keyboard broke. Rather than fixing or replacing it, it has been decided that, henceforth, all judgments will be issued in lower case only.

This is not seen to be a significant issue. Indeed, our judge has, on many occasions, proclaimed herself to be bewildered over some countries’ insistence on capital punishment. She is on record as having stated, “Sentences issued in all lower case are perfectly satisfactory as far as I’m concerned.”

Laws capital punishment, crime, law

A teacher recently issued a failing grade on a paper submitted by one of her students. I know what you’re saying, “This is the first post from this new correspondent, Poopydiaper, and she starts off by telling us something that’s not news.”

I’ll grant you that a student receiving a failing grade on a paper is hardly news. That’s particularly true here in Shalampax, where failing is the rule, not the exception. What makes this story news is that the student’s mother and father, Rotteddriftwood and Slutwearingmicromini, respectively, appealed the grade to the school board. They won their appeal and had an “A” assigned to the paper instead.

Here’s what happened. When the 23-year-old student, Roastedrat, turned in his paper to his grade nine teacher, Albatrossoverhead, alarm bells immediately went off in Albatrossoverhead’s head.

“I suspected plagiarism right away,” explained Albatrossoverhead. “The paper used multisyllabic words and the words were all spelled correctly. Those achievements had eluded Roastedrat up to that point in the term.”

Rottendriftwood and Slutwearingmicromini did not dispute Albatrossoverhead’s accusation. They couldn’t. When Albatrossoverhead checked on the internet, she found that the paper, “The Virtue of Original Thought,” was readily available. It had been written about a decade prior by a PhD candidate at a major American university. In fact, the essay, which Roastedrat copied verbatim, had garnered its real author a number of prestigious academic awards.

Instead of disputing the plagiarism charge, Rottendriftwood and Slutwearingmicromini argued that, rather than being penalized, their son’s initiative should be rewarded as it was reflective of the highest of Shalampaxian morals. Thus, they argued, plagiarizing the paper was the patriotic thing for their son to do. The school board agreed.

The school board members weren’t the only ones to accept Roastedrat’s parents’ argument. Executives from Shalampax’s cult and spam industries have offered Roastedrat his choice of senior jobs should he decide to not continue on to grade ten.

Education Education, grades, plagiarism, plagiary, school

I am very happy to be able to pass this news along. The government is in the process of procuring robotic vacuum cleaners that will be used in the hallways of Shalampax’s building. We should see these little marvels begin their work within the next few weeks.

The government felt this was a necessary procurement as most Shalampaxian adults have been scraping the tops of their heads on our hallways’ ceilings. And some of the taller among us have developed what might now be a permanent stoop.

No one is certain, but it is expected that the clearance in the hallways will increase by a minimum of one foot, and possibly two feet, once all of the dust is gone.

There will be at least one drawback to this policy decision. Walking in the hallways is expected to be considerably harder on the knees as the dust has been providing natural cushioning for our stone floors. (Exploratory digging through the dust has verified that the floors are, indeed, stone.)

One problem that must be addressed is what to do with the dust. It’s been decided to attempt to use it as landfill to expand the size of our island.

Government officials anticipate that this will not succeed because the dust will almost certainly be washed away as soon as it’s dumped into our nearly constantly turbulent patch of the ocean. However, in the view of the government, once the dust is in the ocean, it’s not our problem. This philosophy works for the rest of our garbage, so there is no reason why it shouldn’t work for our dust as well.

Adhering to the strict government policy of not paying for anything when there is a way to get it free, a government employee has hacked into the computers of the vendor of these robotic vacuum cleaners. The legitimate purchases of people from other countries are being surreptitiously rerouted to Shalampax.

Citizens of Shalampax are reminded that they are responsible for removing the dust in their own apartments. If you want your own robotic vacuum cleaner and would like to get in on the ongoing rerouting of shipments, please contact your member of parliament as soon as possible.

Miscellaneous dust, robot vacuum cleaners, robotic vacuum cleaners, robotic vacuums, vacuum cleaners, vacuums

Prime Minister Manexposinghimself today announced proudly and with great fanfare that Shalampax will finally sign the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty (NPT). In doing so, we will join the vast majority of the nations of the world, including the original “nuclear five” of the United States, Russia, Britain, France and China.

Manexposinghimself made a point of telling his internal and international audiences that he firmly committed himself to this decision despite being totally baffled as to why the treaty is most often abbreviated as NPT rather than NN-PT. He considered this to be a major impediment to Shalampax’s signing of the treaty, but he said that it was an hurdle that he was willing to overcome if it would help to create a better world.

Despite expressing strong support, the prime minister did put two conditions on his decision. He said he would sign the NPT only if:

1. Someone gave him a copy of treaty, and
    
2. Someone loaned him a pen.

Manexposinghimself’s decision to sign the treaty was made easier with the knowledge that:

1. No one in Shalampax has any idea how to make a firecracker, let alone a nuclear reactor or weapon, and
    
2. The land mass of Shalampax is so small that, if we ever did fire off a missile, nuclear-armed or otherwise, the fiery exhaust would incinerate everyone in Shalampax.

Government non-proliferation treaty, nuclear non-proliferation treaty, nuclear proliferation, nuclear treaty