Pencilonear Perfects Cold Fusion
For decades, senior scientists around the globe have pursued the elusive goal of reliably triggering and maintaining a cold fusion reaction. So named because, if it can be done, the reaction will achieve nuclear fusion at temperatures greatly below the 6,000-degrees Celsius that powers fusion reactions in the sun.
Work on cold fusion has waxed and waned over the past few decades. There have been some tantalizing suggestions of triumph, only to find that the results were not repeatable and, therefore, questionable to begin with. Consequently, no scientist has been able to claim victory in this quest, until now.
Pencilonear, Shalampax’s leading physicist, today announced that he has succeeded in generating and sustaining cold fusion reactions. What’s more, he claims that he can repeat his success at will.
Pencilonear explained his achievement by saying, “It is all a matter of how you approach the problem. Other scientists have looked at it conventionally and, as a result, they were not able to break out of existing scientific molds. I, on the other hand, viewed the problem from a completely different perspective.”
Pencilonear continued, “It’s all a matter of finding the right glue. If you do that, you can easily fuse any two objects without the application of any heat whatsoever other than ambient room temperature.
“Metal, wood, paper, and other glues can be bought off-the-shelf at any hardware store. A little pressure might be necessary to permanently fuse materials, but that can easily be applied with an ordinary shop vice. Fusion of objects is really that simple.”
Shalampax’s prime minister, Manexposinghimself, lost no time in commending Pencilonear. “What Pencilonear has accomplished is nothing short of astounding,” Manexposinghimself exclaimed loudly. “He well deserves our praise. We always lock his padded cell from the outside. How he was able to get out and speak to the press is beyond me. Amazing. Truly amazing.”
“Obviously, we will investigate Pencilonear’s escape and take steps to ensure it never happens again,” said Manexposinghimself. “Clearly, the man, and I use the word man loosely, is a raving lunatic.”
