Shalampax Speaks

Peeps, this is getting ridiculous. Openfly, Shalampax’s wannabe celebrity, is up to her hold tricks. By “up to her old tricks,” I don’t mean that she has gone back to her life as a prostitute, although many of us have begged her to do so.

No, word is now filtering out that several days ago she was caught driving while under the influence of alcohol. Officials tried to keep the news hush-hush in deference to Openfly’s sensitivities and ego, but they couldn’t keep such earth-shattering information a secret for long.

Driving under the influence was clearly a stupid, irresponsible thing to do. As much as I love her, I can’t, in good conscience, condone Openfly’s behavior.

Fortunately, nothing came of her foolish conduct, but think of the carnage and property damage that could have occurred had it turned out differently. Her actions were clearly reckless, reprehensible and inexcusable.

On the other hand, one has to give Openfly considerable credit. It’s not easy to drive under the influence of alcohol in Shalampax considering that we have neither cars nor roads.

Here’s the story that my sources have told me: Sometime last week-my sources aren’t clear on exactly which day-Openfly fashioned a car-shaped object out of her many dozens of empty beer cans. She then climbed in and, much like the beloved Fred Flintstone in the cartoons we have all often pirated, used her feet to propel her makeshift car through the halls of Shalampax’s building, ricocheting off the walls as she went. Fortunately, no walked out of his or her apartment when she passed by.

Openfly can’t seem to control herself. The truth is, I’m told that she intentionally drove while under the influence solely to mimic some of her heroes, the true celebrities over in a place I like to call “Tinseltown” because I can never remember its real name.