Capital Punishment Abolished
The Government of Shalampax today announced that it would join the European Union, Canada, Australia and, in fact, the vast majority of countries in the free world in abolishing capital punishment.
This decision is of little practical application as most Shalampaxians are far too lazy to do anything that is considered to be a crime in Shalampax. (Most forms of fraud are not merely legal here, but also vigorously encouraged.) We don’t allow any foreigners to visit our republic so crimes are rarely committed in Shalampax. Thus, there has been little cause for punishment, capital or otherwise.
Before one reads too much into this pronouncement on the part of the government, it should be noted that the decision was not taken for moral, ethical or political reasons. It was purely practical.
The shift key on our judge’s keyboard broke. Rather than fixing or replacing it, it has been decided that, henceforth, all judgments will be issued in lower case only.
This is not seen to be a significant issue. Indeed, our judge has, on many occasions, proclaimed herself to be bewildered over some countries’ insistence on capital punishment. She is on record as having stated, “Sentences issued in all lower case are perfectly satisfactory as far as I’m concerned.”
Surely some offenses are deserving of the Capitalization treatment.
I mean, you wouldn’t need it if someone stole gum from a convenience store, but you would need it someone stole the entire store, and left a few licorice sticks in it’s placed.
@C.B.Jones “off with his head!” There, you see. No capital punishment required whatsoever. It can be done entirely with lower case, although the exclamation mark does add a nice touch.
Miss Demeanor might have some interest in becoming an expat in Shalampax with the new shift to lower case punishment. Where can she apply for some more information?
@Mommy Koz: For more information on becoming an expat in Shalampax, please see the official Shalampax Web site (http://www.shalampax.com). However, I can save you a little time. As you explore the site you’ll likely learn that we don’t tolerate outsiders in our country. We are, however, considering issuing honorary passports upon the payment of an appropriate fee. If we go ahead with this project, the passports will not be valid in Shalampax, but they may fool the occasional border guard elsewhere, assuming, of course, that the border guard is stinking drunk at the time. Stay tuned.