Oprah and Openfly
Hey peeps, you’ll never guess who is garnering attention again or, I should say, trying to garner attention again. That’s right, it’s our own little celebrity-in-her-own-mind, Openfly.
Get this. Openfly is determined to be interviewed on air by Oprah. Yes, you read that right. Openfly wants to be interviewed by that non-Shalampaxian, richer-than-rich, mega-super-star, Oprah.
What could have ever led Openfly to believe she might get an Oprah interview is totally beyond me.
True, Openfly is the most beautiful woman in Shalampax, but that’s not much of a competitive field, now is it? In international beauty contests, most Shalampaxian women would lose to a malformed piece of haggis. It wouldn’t even be close.
Openfly might tie. Maybe.
Nor does Openfly have any discernable talent. She did once embark on a singing career, but she failed at that miserably.
Don’t get me wrong. Shalampaxians appreciated her vocal efforts. Shalampax used to be infested with rats. We serendipitously eliminated that problem when Openfly started to sing. The rats all committed suicide, as did a few Shalampaxian humans.
No one has seen her try, but dance isn’t likely to be Openfly’s forte either. She’s hardly the most graceful, coordinated or vertically stable person in the world. It’s believed that she can barely walk a straight line when sober. Of course, that’s only a working theory because no one has ever seen her sober.
Acting? I don’t think so. She can’t get people to believe her even when she’s telling the truth. She could be moments away from starving to death and restaurateurs would turn her away because they wouldn’t believe she was actually hungry and willing to buy anything. So giving convincing performances of any kind is probably out of the question for her. (Then again, when she asks bartenders for drinks there is no doubting her sincerity, so maybe there is some hope for her.)
I wish her luck, but I seriously doubt Openfly will succeed in her attempt to be interviewed by Oprah. In the off-chance that I’m wrong, I trust that Openfly will have the good sense to let the Shalampax government PR people know about her upcoming interview. The Government of Shalampax has been trying for years to hack into Oprah’s bank account. They’ve been unsuccessful so far but any information about Oprah, no matter how seemingly trivial, might help.
Opera loves having guests who seem abnormal. Stuff like that is great for ratings.
@C.B.Jones: Then Openfly should fit right in. Maybe she will get that interview after all.
Oprah is heading off today to visit with the lovely ladies of the Bunny Ranch in Nevada. For those unAmericans among your half-vast audience, that is a house of prostitution, a service establishment which is legal in Nevada.
If the big O is running so low on program plots that she is taking her vajaja and lesbian girlfriend Gayle to a whore house, well…lets just say the odds could be in Openfly’s favor for landing that interview.
@David: Whoa, Oprah interviewing prostitutes! It sounds as though Openfly would be perfect for her show! Who would have thought it?
Wishing Openfly the best of luck with Ms. Winfrey — the greatest daytime talk show hostess ever to grace the worlds of literature, free giveaways, and African orphanhood.
@alis: You seem to be a bit behind the times. Openfly has not been heard from for a while. She’s now on a new adventure that has distracted her from her Oprah objective.