Peeps, this is getting ridiculous. Openfly, Shalampax’s wannabe celebrity, is up to her hold tricks. By “up to her old tricks,” I don’t mean that she has gone back to her life as a prostitute, although many of us have begged her to do so.
No, word is now filtering out that several days ago she was caught driving while under the influence of alcohol. Officials tried to keep the news hush-hush in deference to Openfly’s sensitivities and ego, but they couldn’t keep such earth-shattering information a secret for long.
Driving under the influence was clearly a stupid, irresponsible thing to do. As much as I love her, I can’t, in good conscience, condone Openfly’s behavior.
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Prime Minister Manexposinghimself announced today that he will be staging a series of town hall meetings over the coming months. The subject of these assemblies will be the prime minister’s proposals for a new system of taxation in Shalampax.
Manexposinghimself feels that the current “tax system,” which is limited to picking people’s pockets whenever the government needs money, is no longer adequate. In the upcoming meetings he will present his ideas on how to reform the system to make it more dependable and seemly.
Shalampaxians reading this should take note that the sessions will not be free. Instead, there will be an admission charge of $1,500 per adult. Children will be admitted free, but you’ll be paid $20 if you leave your little brats at home. Attendance by all Shalampaxian adults is mandatory. The fine for failing to attend has been set at $1,500.
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Word comes from the Shalampax Ping-Pong Federation that the semi-final round of the Annual Shalampax Ping-Pong Championship, originally scheduled for tomorrow, has been postponed indefinitely. The Federation said that it regretted this delay, but it was unavoidable as Shalampax’s ping-pong ball has gone missing. The semi-final and final matches will resume as soon as it has been found.
This is unsettling news. It is possible that the ball merely rolled under a chair. Nonetheless, there is the shocking possibility that its disappearance is the result of foul play by a nefarious Shalampaxian. Considering the prevalence of nefariousness in Shalampax, this is, lamentably, the more probable explanation.
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My bailiwick here at Shalampax Speaks is spirituality. I have the greatest of respect for the companies that market Shalampax’s cults religions to the world, but the secrecy of some of those companies can be frustrating, to say the least.
Religco, the largest cult religion corporation in Shalampax, is particularly rigorous in protecting the trade secrets of any cults religions that it has under development. Nonetheless, I did catch wind of one of its upcoming projects. To say it is thrilling would be a gross understatement.
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Shalampaxian’s are not known for their love of adult education. Come to think of it, most of us don’t care much for childhood education either. Thus, it comes as a great surprise that Emptybucket’s weekly lecture series has become the talk of Shalampax. What’s more, some of what people are saying can even be repeated in prime time on American network television, without the need for too many bleeps.
As evidence of the talks’ success, the hallways of Shalampax are still abuzz with enthusiastic discussions about last week’s topic. “Zen: Why being spelled with only three letters makes it more efficient than other philosophies,” was considered to be the epitome of depth and insight.
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A raucous debate erupted in parliament today, interrupting the lawmakers’ normal naps. At issue was Prime Minister Manexposinghimself’s proposal that Shalampax buy and install the country’s first traffic lights.
Opening the debate, the prime minister gave a patriotic speech suggesting that other countries looked down on Shalampax and ridiculed it as backward because of it’s lack of traffic lights. Manexposnghimself implored Members of Parliament to reverse this blot on the country’s reputation.
The prime minister went on to assure parliament that his support for the proposal had nothing whatsoever to do with his wife being granted an exclusive license to import traffic lights into the country.
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