Spam Success
I’ve been accused of unfairly giving Shalampax’s cult religion industry more attention here than our spam industry. Let me assure those of my friends who work for one of our spam firms that I did not intend any slight against them. Not in the least.
Our cult religion businesses do contribute about twice as much to Shalampax’s GDP as our spam businesses, but our spam industry is certainly no slouch when it comes to bringing in the big bucks.
Unfortunately, none of the CEOs of our spam companies would allow me to release their revenue or profit numbers. However, they put their heads together and came up with some statistics concerning the Shalampax spam industry as a whole that I’ve been authorized to publish.
The numbers are astonishing.
To come up with their statistics, the spam executives first looked at their claims for their products’ efficacy. They then multiplied the promised product results by the total sales volumes generated by their spam. Assuming, of course, that our spam companies’ product and service claims are truthful, and I have no reason to assume that they are not, then:
- Totaled across the entire worldwide human male population, the average erect penis size is now 12.8 inches wide and five feet, 8.7 inches long. Think about that. Many men’s erect penises must be longer than the men are tall. Astounding!
- On average, the women of the world are now sporting perky, firm, 98-inch breasts, with FF cup sizes. Considering their altered centers of gravity, how they are able to walk without regularly falling flat on their … well … on their breasts will probably forever remain a mystery.
- And, here’s a statistic that I’m particularly proud of: Shalampax spam companies have now unlocked multi-million dollar inheritances—an average of $14.5 million per inheritance—for hundreds of thousands of hard-done-by Nigerian widows.
In light of these statistics, I’m sure that you will all join me in sending out a big congratulatory shout-out to all of Shalampax’s spam companies and their executives, managers and employees.
