Spam Success
I’ve been accused of unfairly giving Shalampax’s cult religion industry more attention here than our spam industry. Let me assure those of my friends who work for one of our spam firms that I did not intend any slight against them. Not in the least.
Our cult religion businesses do contribute about twice as much to Shalampax’s GDP as our spam businesses, but our spam industry is certainly no slouch when it comes to bringing in the big bucks.
Unfortunately, none of the CEOs of our spam companies would allow me to release their revenue or profit numbers. However, they put their heads together and came up with some statistics concerning the Shalampax spam industry as a whole that I’ve been authorized to publish.
The numbers are astonishing.
To come up with their statistics, the spam executives first looked at their claims for their products’ efficacy. They then multiplied the promised product results by the total sales volumes generated by their spam. Assuming, of course, that our spam companies’ product and service claims are truthful, and I have no reason to assume that they are not, then:
- Totaled across the entire worldwide human male population, the average erect penis size is now 12.8 inches wide and five feet, 8.7 inches long. Think about that. Many men’s erect penises must be longer than the men are tall. Astounding!
- On average, the women of the world are now sporting perky, firm, 98-inch breasts, with FF cup sizes. Considering their altered centers of gravity, how they are able to walk without regularly falling flat on their … well … on their breasts will probably forever remain a mystery.
- And, here’s a statistic that I’m particularly proud of: Shalampax spam companies have now unlocked multi-million dollar inheritances—an average of $14.5 million per inheritance—for hundreds of thousands of hard-done-by Nigerian widows.
In light of these statistics, I’m sure that you will all join me in sending out a big congratulatory shout-out to all of Shalampax’s spam companies and their executives, managers and employees.
Now I know who to thank for helping me find jobs (I get LOTS of emails that someone has found a job for me) and find dates (again, LOTS of emails that someone wants to date me). Thanks to the Shampalaxians for being so helpful and thoughtful.
Sorry, I just realized that I got my syllables reversed. It should be Shalampaxians instead of Shampalaxians. Please don’t be offended, or else I’ll retreat back into my shy shell and won’t comment anymore.
@Janet You are welcome! Yes, that was probably us. Don’t worry about getting the syllables mixed up. For some reason, “Shampalaxians” is a common mistake, particularly when discussing our spam activities.”
And How does one immigrate to this wonderful place ?
does a bribe start the process or speed it up ?
we are looking forward to being shalampaxians sometime soon.
@RE Ausetkmt: A bribe? A bribe! How could you ask such a thing? This is Shalampax. A bribe always starts the process. However, I shouldn’t be telling you this, but you seem like a nice person; we’re xenophobic to the extreme. A bribe will start the process, but the next step in the process will be another bribe, then another, then another, then … well nobody lives forever.
is there a possibility that since I know about the bribes system; someone would be mean enough to get me forced in; so that I can start my own ponzi scheme and help men realize how insignifigant their penises are until they see my large package of enhancement needs ?
obtw did I mention my name is Babsy Madoff ?
@RE Ausetkmt: In the unlikely event that you are allowed into our country, we have a very strict rule that says you must serve a residency period before being allowed to participate in or benefit from any of our schemes. Currently, the minimum waiting period is 97 years, although we are considering lengthening it.
ok while serving that residency peroid I assume I am responsible for my own upkeep right ?
so then I get to keep the entire profits of my own schemes ?
what a wonderful place.
oh did I forget to mention that I will be bringing my bank with me,
and issuing my own currency; so it’s all good.
do not expect my arrival, as it will be totally unannounced.
@RE Ausetkmt: Keep 100% of the profits from your own schemes? Where on earth did you ever get that idea? There is a tax on resident aliens here. It’s currently set a 100% of profits and personal income, but we’re thinking of raising that.
And, arriving unannounced? That’s ill-advised. I suggest you wander around the Shalampax official site (there’s a link on the blog sidebar). Take a close look in particular at the climate and geography sections. You’ll find that landing here without our help would be quite suicidal. And that has nothing to do with the fact that we normally repel foreigners and cannibalize the ones that do make it onto our shores. Although that too is a danger for foreigners.