Track and Field Day
Shalampax’s secondary school will be holding its annual track and field day tomorrow. As one would expect here in Shalampax, the weather is predicted to be too inclement to stage the event outdoors without risking lives. But don’t worry. The school has planned a full slate of indoor activities.
As it is every year, this year’s meet promises to be entertaining. All high school students are required to participate. We expect that, as usual, it will be quite amusing to see what excuses they come up with to try to get out of it.
Age differences add to the challenge of the annual track and field day. Thanks to the academic aptitudes of our primary and secondary school pupils, the ages of Shalampax’s full-time high school students range from 15 through to 42.
The events that will be included in the meet reflect Shalampaxians’ regard for fitness and sport.
The fifty meter hall-walk will be held on the second floor of Shalampax’s building. The school’s gym teacher is confident that at least one of this year’s walkers will beat last year’s record of 53 minutes, 37.4 seconds, including rests and snack breaks.
Obviously, discus and javelin throws would be too dangerous to stage indoors. The only spaces offering a sufficient distance are our hallways. Because our halls are narrow and apartment-lined, if a resident walked out of an apartment during the event, the consequences could be disastrous.
Thus, for safety reasons, the school substituted a pillow toss for the javelin and discus throws last year. The pillow toss will not be repeated this year. Too many contestants used the pillows to take a nap. The judges had a hell of a time waking them up to start the events.
To prevent a repeat of the nap problem, the school officials will use Koosh balls for the throwing event this year. Taking Shalampaxians’ coordination into account, each athlete will be allowed up to five throw attempts should the ball fall backward out of his or her hand during the wind-ups to the first four throws.
The high jump is also out of the question because of our low ceilings. It was too embarrassing last year when none of the contestants were able to so much as brush the tops of their heads against the ceiling. A limbo competition will replace the high jump this year.
There was considerable debate over whether to hold the broad jump again this year. I need not remind you of what a disaster last year’s broad jump competition was. Most of the athletes had no idea as to what is involved in a Track and Field Association-sanctioned broad jump.
Fortunately, none of the women they jumped on pressed rape charges. In fact, they all invited the jumpers to dinner after the meet, and several times after that.
Despite considerable consternation, a petition in favor of the event led school officials to decide to stage the broad jump again this year. The petition, which specifically asked that the rules of the broad jump not be explained to the athletes, was signed by 273 women.
Parents are welcome to come out to cheer on their children. Betting on the events is acceptable. However, last year’s widespread practice of wagering against your children and then encouraging them to throw their matches is frowned upon, but not explicitly forbidden.
