Openfly is Missing
Peeps, we have a mystery on our hands! Our very own glamour-girl-in-her-own-mind and celebrity wannabe, Openfly, is missing.
Her disappearance was first noticed by Shalampax’s crackerjack part-time cop and full-time bartender, Buttertart. Well into his shift at the bar, Buttertart realized that Openfly hadn’t yet come in for her regular five pre-dinner cocktails or her four post-dinner liqueurs.
Buttertart was concerned because Openfly hadn’t missed a single one of her nightly drinking sessions for at least five years. Her absence was particularly disconcerting because she was responsible for a large part of the bar’s revenue.
Upon closing the bar four hours after noticing Openfly’s absence, Buttertart leapt into action in his role as Shalampax’s only police officer. By “leapt into action” I mean that he immediately hopped into bed for a restful night’s sleep so he could be fully refreshed when he began his investigations ten hours later.
After extensive, clever investigative police work, Buttertart deduced that Openfly had become extremely disenchanted with Shalampax recently and that she had, as a result, tried to leave the country. Buttertart thinks that if Openfly did make it off the island, she will try to take up residence elsewhere.
Buttertart came to this conclusion after interrogating Openfly’s best friend, Cherrytart (no relation to Buttertart). Cherrytart told him that she had been talking to Openfly last week. During that conversation, Openfly had said to her, “I’ve become extremely disenchanted with Shalampax lately. If there’s any way I can get the hell off this freaking island and I somehow manage to survive the journey, I’m going to live somewhere else.”
Fortunately, Buttertart was able use his superior deductive skills to read between the lines in order to come up with his hypothesis concerning Openfly’s disappearance.
In the unlikely event that Openfly does make it safely to another country, she may be not have to go into hiding. Although nobody realized it until now, Openfly is one of the few Shalampaxians—and possibly the only Shalampaxian—who doesn’t have a single international arrest warrant sworn out against her. It seems she has never actually done anything other than drink herself silly in Shalampax’s bar. Apparently, that’s not illegal here or anywhere else.
Naturally, being best friends, Cherrytart is very anxious to get any scrap of information she can about Openfly’s disappearance. Overcoming strong emotions, Cherrytart lovingly blurted out, “If Openfly is officially declared to be presumed dead, I’m going to try to take over her apartment. It’s so much bigger than mine.”
Well, that’s all the news I have for now. I’ll keep all of you up-to-date if I get anymore information. (Yes, you too, Cherrytart.) Stay tuned.
so does this mean there is an opening at the bar?
sweet!
@staciesmadness: As you’re probably aware, we don’t allow outsiders into Shalampax. However, you’re in luck. Our bar ships its drinks around the world. Just leave your order and complete credit card info in a comment here. Thanks!
Does Openfly have any distinguishing characteristics so that we can watch for her in our countries and let you know if she’s spotted?
@Janet: She is of average height and average build. I’m not sure what color her hair is now because she usually changes it two or three times a week.
Her walk is a bit out of the ordinary. It’s generally described more as a stagger than a walk. However, that might just be because no one here has ever seen her sober. Her current circumstances might not allow her as many opportunities, or reasons, to drink.
One thing that I can tell you that might help is that she is, by far, the most beautiful woman in Shalampax. Although, that still puts her well down in the lower quartile of just about anyone’s appraisal of beauty for women worldwide.
If only Burnedoutlightbulb had succeeded in completing her personal flying device development, some caring person could have performed an aerial search for Openfly…well, that is if there was a caring person amongst the Shalampaxians.
@David: Wow! Someone is paying attention. I’m impressed and flattered.
You are absolutely right on both counts. We have no way to conduct an aerial search and, yes, there is somewhat of a shortage of caring people in Shalampax. But rest assured, there are people interested in Openfly’s disappearance,. However, that’s mainly because nothing else interesting happens around here. Speculation about her is the closest we get to half-decent live entertainment around here.