Shalampax Speaks

The Shalampax coconut industry, consisting of one company, was devastated yesterday. A gale that blew through here carried off all of our coconuts, which were almost ripe. (A meteorological note: Although off the scale in terms of wind strength, the gale affected a circular area with a radius of only about 75 miles. The circle was perfectly centered on Shalampax. The surprising part is, that’s not a very rare occurrence.)

In the past, coconuts have typically contributed somewhat below one percent of Shalampax’s GDP. This year it will be zero.

This is a shock because our palm trees have, until now, shown an inexplicable, almost magical ability to hold onto their coconuts until the weather is calm enough for us to venture out and conduct our elections.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” said Driedorangepeel, owner of Shalampax’s coconut company. “It was an easy living. Once I and my employees returned to consciousness after the election, we simply gathered up the coconuts lying on the ground. We then sold them at outrageous prices to our fellow Shalampaxians, all of whom were far too lazy to pick some up for themselves.”

Driedorangepeel went on to lament, “Sure, I have shares in some of Shalampax’s cult religion companies, but that only brings in a few million dollars a year in dividends. What am I going to tell my husband about the drop in income that we’re going to have to endure this year?”

Of course, the loss of the coconuts will also force Shalampax to delay elections until the next batch grows and ripens.

Manexposinghimself has agreed to continue to serve as prime minister until new elections can be held, provided that he is allowed to continue to siphon off 12 percent of Shalampax’s GDP.

Unsurprisingly, no one has objected to Manexposinghimself’s extended term. Despite how lucrative the positions are, no other Shalampaxian is the least bit interested in serving in any political position unless forced to do so by our unique electoral system.

If readers from outside of Shalampax are interested in our electoral system, all I can say is: Don’t be so damn lazy! You’re beginning to act like Shalampaxians and we have a patent on laziness. In the above paragraphs, I’ve included four links to a page explaining our government and elections, and there’s another link in this paragraph. Move your damn clicking finger and go read about it if you’re so damned interested.