Shalampax Speaks

ShalamSpamCo Inc., a new but rapidly-rising spam company here in Shalampax, is getting ready to launch an exciting, innovative product. Its Home Breast Augmentation Surgery Kit, or hBASK for short, will revolutionize the breast implant business and make breast implants affordable for a great many more women. (And men if they are so inclined. We’re open-minded here in Shalampax.)

In a nutshell, hBASK allows women to get breast implants, without the need for a visit to a high-priced cosmetic surgeon. Included in the hBASK package are two expandable implants, a scalpel, surgical suture thread (you must supply your own needle), local anesthetic, a manual and a DVD instruction video.

The manual and video will teach you everything you need to know about performing breast implant surgery.

Because the operation is performed under a local anesthetic, you can perform it on yourself. However, this can be awkward. Consequently, ShalamSpamCo recommends that you enlist a friend or a loved one to perform the breast implant surgery for you.

What’s really innovative about hBASK is the expandable implants, which are shipped empty. These are made of a highly elastic material. To create implants of almost any size you like, silicone can be pumped in through a hole that seals itself after you remove the silicone pump. The kit includes a pump and enough silicone to create 42DD breasts on even the most flat-chested of women.

If you’d like to create larger breasts you can order additional silicone from ShalamSpamCo. However, the standard implant will accommodate up to only 46DD. The company is considering offering implants that will be capable of being pumped up with silicone to a size 68V, although there is no official release date for these super-boobs.

Some people argue that breast size is a ridiculously superficial, vain measure of body aesthetics. I presented this objection to ShalamSpamCo’s marketing manager. He put it clearly into perspective for me with his response, “Yeah, so what’s your point?”

ShalamSpamCo will be unleashing its vast network of thousands of hijacked spambots to promote hBASK in one month’s time. But here’s the exciting news. The company has authorized me to offer the product right now to readers of this blog at an introductory price of just $299.

Don’t delay. ShalamSpamCo expects supplies to be tight once it releases hBASK to its spam audience. If you’re interested, please leave your shipping information, along with your complete credit card and/or bank withdrawal information, in a comment on this post.*

Act now and in no time you’ll be basking in the compliments generated by your beautiful new breasts. And you’ll get those breasts a price you can afford!

* Before ShalamSpamCo will ship hBASK you must sign a waiver stating that you recognize that possible side effects of home breast implant surgery may include excessive loss of blood, infection and death. By signing the waiver, you absolve ShalamSpamCo and its owners, principals, employees, subsidiaries and suppliers of any responsibility for these and any other side effects.