Openfly Speaks
Hey peeps, I have more news in what seems to be shaping up to be a continuing saga of Openfly’s flight from Shalamapax.
You’ll recall that in my last post I told you that Openfly refused to communicate with any Shalampaxian other than her best friend, Cherrytart. That was true. However, I found out that Openfly has been able to use her own email account while aboard the ship.
I sent her a message begging her to speak with me about her ordeal. At first she refused, but I successfully bribed her to change her mind. I told her that if she ever comes back to Shalampax I will pick up her bar tab for a full week if she took me into her confidence.
I’m hoping she never comes back. I’m fairly wealthy, but I don’t have enough money to cover her tab for a day, let alone a week. And I don’t think anyone would be willing to loan me that much money.
The first question I had for Openfly was whether, as she told Cherrytart, she indeed had no idea why the zoologist locked her in the observation room.
I was right. She knew more than she had been letting on. (That is to say, she knew more about her predicament than she was letting on. When it comes to general knowledge, she is fully as ignorant as she appears.) True, she doesn’t know why she is being held captive, but she does know which of her actions led to the zoologist taking the action he took.
Before I get into that, so I can stop calling him “the zoologist,” allow me to give you his a name. You might as well allow me to do that because I’m going to give it to you whether you allow me to or not.
His name is Dr. Donald Rivers. He’s entitled to call himself “doctor” because he has a Ph.D. in zoology from Muddy York University. Generally, people just call him “Don.”
As Openfly tells it, things were grand at the start. For the first couple of days that she was on board, she and Don had sex four or five times a day. This was very exciting for Openfly because, being a zoologist, Don knew some really wild animal positions. Although, doing it in a dorsoventral position while swinging from a chandelier—like orangutans sometimes do, except they swing from branches rather than chandeliers—was quite a challenge for both of them.
Then, one morning, she told him she wouldn’t sleep with him for the next few days. Openfly refuses to tell me why she withheld sex from Don, but whatever the reason, that’s when Don locked her in the observation room.
At first Openfly thought it was petulance, jealousy or revenge on Don’s part. But, apart from holding her captive, he’s been very genial and civil with her. And he apologizes several times a day for keeping her in the observation room.
Besides, while Openfly does rank as, to use the street vernacular, “one hot babe” on the Shalampaxian scale of female beauty, that still places her only slightly above “repulsive” on any non-Shalampaxian scale. So it’s unlikely that withholding sex would drive Don to do what he did.
Openfly seems truly stumped as to why she is in the predicament she is in. She would like some answers. So would I.
Openfly gave me Don’s email address and I’ve dashed off a note to him asking for an explanation. I haven’t got a response yet, but I’ll fill you in if and when I do get one.
hmmm, can I have don’s email after you’re done?
@staciesmadness: We have a very strict policy here at Shalampax Speaks of never giving out email addresses unless we are paid exceptionally large bribes.
However, Shalampaxian men are available at popular prices if you’re interested. Their email addresses cost extra.
I think that, considering that Openfly’s swizzle stick raft has most likely been lost at sea, there is very little chance that Openfly will successfully return from her open sea voyage with the monkey watching zoologists. Thus your wager is perfectly safe…unless Openfly learns how to flap her arms as wings and fly from the ship back to the Shalampax homeland that she professes to hate.
Nothing is impossible in Shalampax.
@David: Yes, my understanding is that the raft was already breaking up before Openfly made it to the research ship. She didn’t specifically say, but I think she might have had to swim the last few feet. So, you’re right, the raft is probably gone.
Nonetheless, ships do occasionally come here to deliver goods. That’s a good thing because we have to import everything except coconuts. And people cannot live by coconuts alone.
We have to rebuild our dock every time a delivery ship comes because our gales usually smash the dock within hours after it is built. And the delivery ships usually have to wait a few weeks for the weather to clear enough for us to build the dock. But, it is possible that Openfly could hitch a ride back on one of those delivery ships once she gets off the research ship.
You’re wrong about one thing. A great many things are impossible in Shalampax. We’re are much less capable than most people at most things. So more things are impossible here than in most places. That having been said, a lot of strange things do seem to happen in Shalampax and to Shalampaxians.
I googled Muddy York to see if I could find out anything else about Dr. Don,but all I found was the Muddy York Walking Tours in Toronto. Are you sure he’s who he says he is?
@Janet: All I know about him is what he told me. I figured, since he’s not Shalampaxian, there’s a fair chance he’s telling the truth. I was too lazy to do any Googling about him.
Where is this Toronto you mentioned? Is it a country and, if so, is it a member of the UN? Shalampax wants to join the UN, but the won’t have us. We’re looking for a small UN-member country we can buy. Then we can throw the inhabitants out (we don’t get along well with other people) and get into the UN that way.
Unfortunately Toronto is not a country, but I think it would be extremely interesting to know more about Shalampax’s attempts to join the UN (if one of the blog authors would feel like tackling that topic.
@Janet: So far, all we’ve done is dash off an emailed request to the UN asking for the membership application forms. A response came back from the fourth personal assistant to the fifth deputy to the Secretary General of the UN. The response had only one word on it: “ROTFLMAO.” We took that to be a negative response.
We haven’t done anything else so far. The truth is, we wish for a lot of stuff but rarely put in any effort to trying to achieve it. The Toronto thing was just a wild idea that came into my head. It probably wouldn’t have gone anywhere even if it were a country.
If we make any further efforts regarding the UN I’ll attempt to get someone to write a post about.