Chief Medical Officer
In an earlier post I inadvertently revealed that the Chief Medical Officer (CMO) at the Shalampax Medical Clinic is a tad obese. That’s a tad obese as in, able to block out the sun’s light when standing 30 paces from the viewer.
She is so fat that she has to grease her sides to squeeze through a standard size door. Even then, she requires the help of a several people to push her through.
With this information now in the public domain worldwide, there have been some questions from people outside Shalampax about why a morbidly obese person would be given the CMO position. After all, the health dangers of obesity—and such gargantuan obesity at that—are well known even here in Shalampax.
The answer is simple.
But before I get into that, I have to clear up one detail. In my previous post I did not give the CMO’s name. That was at her request. She has always been extremely self-conscious about her name because she, well, grew into it.
You see, the first object that her parents noticed after her birth was a tub of lard. No one knows what the tub of lard was doing in the delivery room, but it was there. Following the Shalampaxian custom, her parents named her Tuboflard.
I initially honored Tuboflard’s request not to publish her name, but, on reflection, I decided that was the wrong decision. I feel that, in my role as a quasi-journalist, I need to place the puerile public’s right to know each and every trifling, embarrassing, thoroughly irrelevant detail about all public people’s lives above Tuboflard’s right to a little common courtesy and privacy.
Getting back to my original subject, why was someone as exceptionally overweight as Tuboflard appointed CMO? It certainly wasn’t due to her medical knowledge. She knows less about the field of medicine than most Shalampaxians and most of us are totally clueless about that stuff. How we’ve managed to achieve a life expectancy that exceeds that of almost all other countries is a complete mystery.
No, it wasn’t her medical qualifications that won her the CMO job, it was her obesity. Yes, that’s right. She wasn’t appointed despite her significant poundage; she was appointed specifically because of it.
You see, we here in Shalampax believe that one of the most important factors in maintaining good health is to have a positive attitude about yourself and your body; not that I’m suggesting that you can separate yourself from your body. But you get the point.
Most Shalampaxians know that we could afford to lose a pound or two or, more often, one or two hundred. That might depress people in other countries, but we have the advantage of being able to look at Tuboflard. That instantly makes us feel much better about ourselves.
The thinking around here is, “She’s the Chief Medical Officer. If she’s willing to risk throwing the earth’s orbit and rotation off-kilter with her weight, then how bad can our fat be?”
So, you see, if our theory about the importance of a positive self-attitude is valid, then the best thing we could do to improve public health was to appoint a CMO who gives the earth’s gravitation force a good run for its money. Hence, Tuboflard is our CMO.
