Shalampax Speaks

A few days ago I told you about a health advisory from the Shalampax Medical Clinic advising people who ate the “fish” at Shalampax’s Most Expensive Restaurant to visit the clinic as soon as possible. I’m pleased to report that the condition that Tuboflard mistook for death was actually a coma.

If you saw the raw text of the press release that the medical clinic recently issued to correct its earlier diagnosis, please note that there was a typographical error in it. As I’ve just reported, patients were in a coma. They were not, as the clinic’s press release said, in a comma. You can put your mind at ease. Your loved ones’ lives were not punctuated.

Most patients came out of their comas within 24 to 48 hours. Only three patients are still unconscious. Much to the regret of their families, they are all expected to recover soon.

Only two of the patients who have revived show any signs of lingering side effects.

Despite never having displayed any signs of athleticism in the past, upon coming out of his coma, one patient began suffering from an uncontrollable urge to walk on his hands wherever he goes. The medical clinic has developed a program designed to wean him from this compulsion.

During the first phase of the program, someone else will walk on his hands. In the next phase, he will walk around with vice grips firmly attached to his hands. Next, someone will gently hold one of his hands while he walks. After a few weeks in this final phase of the treatment it is expected that the patient will feel comfortable walking without any pressure being applied to his hands.

The second patient suffering side effects woke up convinced that she is Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. She frequently bursts into singing the song Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

However, it’s believed that she might have seen only porno versions of the film. After finishing a chorus of Somewhere Over the Rainbow, she often strips naked and blurts out things like, “Come here my little hunk of a Munchkin and let me lick your lollipop.” And, “Hey there big Tin Man, why don’t you pull out your oil can and lubricate yourself up my lovely yellow brick road.” Nobody at the medical clinic knows exactly what she means by that second one, but they’re quite certain it’s something sexual.

In a related story, Rottentomato, owner of Shalampax’s Most Expensive Restaurant, is providing a powerful microscope for use by customers who received the appetizer gift certificates that Rottentomato gave out after the health scare. Rottentomato claims that the microscope will allow customers to read the gift certificate’s fine print, in which they will see the words, “this certificate is revocable without notice or reason at Rottentomato’s sole discretion.”