Harmonica Concert
Tonight at 8:30 in Theater G, Discardedshoelace, who is not known as an accomplished musician or an accomplished anything for that matter, will perform a concert. His chosen instrument is a battered harmonica that fell from a branch of one of our palm trees. It was washed up there from lands unknown by one of the monster waves that recently crashed over our high shores.
Bystanders claim that, despite his never having had a lesson or ever even having seen a harmonica before, Discardedshoelace was able to coax something that the bystanders vaguely described as a “sound” from the harmonica.
Discardedshoelace’s program for this evening consists of Bach’s Brandenburg Concertos. He will perform all six concertos in a single evening, with one intermission between the first and second sets of three.
Discardedshoelace does not read sheet music, but he claims to have heard all six of Bach’s Brandenburg Concertos several times on a classical radio station that streams over the Internet. He feels confident that this will be sufficient to allow him to do justice to Bach’s work. Then again, as you are undoubtedly aware, a Shalampaxian’s sense of justice is not to be trusted.
When asked why he chose such challenging pieces for his first concert, Discardedshoelace responded, “Shalampaxians’ musical tastes typically range from Old Macdonald Had a Farm to The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round. Thus, it is likely that no one in the audience will have yet been exposed to the pure joy and joie de vivre of Bach’s Brandenburg Concertos. As a result, it’s unlikely that anyone will notice that, should I manage to play two or more of the notes that Bach wrote, in the order he wrote them, it will be purely by accident.”
The concert is free for citizens of Shalampax. Non-citizens can buy tickets for the full concert at a price of $119. Alternatively, for $69 they can buy tickets for just the first half of the program.
Discardedshoelace highly recommends that, in the exceptionally unlikely event that any non-citizens happen to be in Shalampax, they should definitely take the half-program option because, as is our custom, foreigners will be carved up and served as snacks during the intermission. Refunds will not be granted to non-citizens who, as a result, miss the second half of the concert.
I’m pretty sure I can’t get to Shalampax by 8:30 this evening but I can hardly stand to miss such an earth-shattering so-called musical event.
I’m wondering if this “Not to be Missed” performance will be available on TV cable pay-per-view or maybe a special XM Satellite radio broadcast?
@David: I am saddened to hear that you won’t be able to make it. The food available at the snack bar is usually quite bland. Foreigners are an all too rare treat.
Unfortunately, the concert won’t be broadcast. For some reason, the established media refuse to deal with us. We considered streaming it over the Internet, but we never for a moment imagined that enough people would willing to pay to view/hear our “talent” to make it worth our while. Then again, after viewing some of the reality shows that pass for entertainment in the world beyond Shalampax, I think it might be a good idea for us to reconsider that.