Paper Crisis
There is something of a crisis shaping up in here Shalampax. We are running out of toilet paper. It would seem that Shalampaxians have recently been even crappier than usual. As a result, our shopkeeper was caught unawares by this situation.
A supply ship sitting about 150 kilometers off our shore is carrying, among other provisions, a large shipment of toilet paper. The ship’s captain is waiting for the weather to clear sufficiently for us to assemble one of our temporary docks. Our climate being what it is, that might be anywhere from a few days up to a few months from now.
Normally, we would risk building the dock in less than perfect weather. Unfortunately, we are also running short of the supplies required to build it. We only have enough to assemble one.
The supply ship is also carrying dock-building materials, but because our dock is normally destroyed by high winds within hours or, at most, days of it being built, we can’t take a chance with this one. If it’s destroyed before we have an opportunity to offload the supply ship we won’t get another chance.
Consequently, rather than taking undue risks, it’s been decided that the dock won’t be assembled until the winds are as close to calm as they ever get around here and no storm clouds are visible even with our most powerful telescopes. As we are all aware, those conditions are likely not imminent.
Fortunately, we have adequate food supplies in our freezers to last for up to five months.
In fact, our food stocks are slightly higher than would typically be the case. Despite regretting it at the time, we are now thankful that some anthropologists visited us a few weeks back. We still have leftovers from their visit. Our freezers contain three or four anthropologists’ rumps and a few legs. I’m told those are the tastiest parts.
We also have a large inventory of dried fruits. However, until we get more toilet paper, Shalampaxians are advised to go easy on the prunes.
While food is not a problem, the toilet paper supply is reaching critical levels. As an emergency measure, the government has decided to distribute copies of the Shalampax Criminal Code to be used as a substitute for toilet paper. This will allow Shalampaxians to literally do to the criminal code what they usually do to it only figuratively.
becareful of paper cuts on the tush.
@staciesmadness: Thanks for the warning. I’ll pass it along to my fellow Shalampaxians. Although, we have fairly leathery butts, so it may not be much of a problem.
I am envisioning a great financial empire to be built upon the sales and installation of bidets.
This would well serve the lazy..er…uhmm… personal-energy-saving nature of Shalampaxians who can’t be bothered to measure out a strip of toilet paper and then engage in the burdensome application to the affected areas.
@David: Hmm … bidets. Considering how difficult it is to import things to our island, it could be difficult to bring them in. But if we could swing it, we’d never have to worry about shipping in toilet paper ever again. Thanks for the suggestion!