Fire Alarm Test
The following notice is intended solely for citizens of Shalampax. If you’re not resident here, this will not interest you in the slightest, so you might as well leave now and find some other way to totally waste your time.
I apologize for not being a helpful time-waster for non-Shalampaxians today. It can’t be helped because I must use this space to deliver the following important message to our citizens. I promise that I’ll try harder in the future to be a better fritterer of your time.
Notice to Shalampaxians: Fire Alarm Test
The fire alarm system in Shalampax’s building will be tested tomorrow. As you are probably aware, the alarm system consists of floor superintendents running madly through their respective hallways shrieking repeatedly at the top of their lungs, “Oh my Paahm! Oh my Paahlm! There’s a fire! We’re all doomed! Paahlm save us!”
If you hear the alarm tomorrow please ignore it as it is only a test. If there is a real fire at that time, the superintendents will instead shriek, “Oh my Paahm! Oh my Paahm! There really is a fire! We’re all doomed! Paahlm save us!,” with special emphasis on the word “really.”
Of course, all of this is superfluous because combustible materials are not allowed in our building. (Who among us hasn’t spent countless contented hours moaning and bitching about the discomfort forced upon us by our stone couches and beds?)
The only areas exempted from the strictly enforced non-combustible materials rule are the library, restaurants and community kitchens. Those rooms have been effectively sealed off from the rest of the building with a fireproof barrier. That seal cannot be penetrated in the event of a fire.
Due to our foolproof fire prevention precautions, a dangerous fire in the living areas of the building is impossible. Thus, a fire alarm system is unnecessary. Nonetheless, because Shalampax is normally the most boring place on the planet, the fire alarm test is always quite entertaining. Enjoy.
>>>floor superintendents running madly…shrieking repeatedly at the top of their lungs
Will the floor superintendents have been drugged to cause them to drop their slovenly ways and become so animated?
Stone beds, eh? Shalampaxians must have excellent posture.
@David: I’m not really supposed to disclose this, but the floor superintendents are promised sex as payment for entertaining us. Some things do “arouse” us out of our lethargy. A real fire might do it as well, but that wouldn’t be nearly as much fun.
Our posture is not bad, but the positive effect of our stone beds on our posture is somewhat negated by our tendency to slouch in our stone couches. Oh, and all of our stone furniture probably explains, at least in part, our dispositions, which have often been described by flatterers as being a tad sour.
Sounds much more fun than our fire alarm drills. Here, we evacuate the building we’re in, wait for a few minutes, then go back in and resume whatever we were doing. I did actually have a fire alarm (a real one, not a drill) during a movie once. It was a bummer since the movie was almost over so we didn’t get to see how it ended. We all got free tickets to come back for another movie, though.
@Janet: Gee, it sounds as though you don’t live in a very fun place. It would have been nice if they could have held off setting the fire until the credits started rolling. That way you could have seen the whole movie and still get free tickets. That’s the way our troublemakers work here. They’re very considerate like that.