Love of Paahlm
I love and worship Paahlm. Don’t you?
How could you not love Paahlm? After all, It created our majestic palm trees in Its image. It then commanded the palm trees to bear forth coconuts.
Paahlm, Glory be It, then sacrificed two of his precious coconuts to create the first humans. Since then, we have depended on Its munificent provision of coconuts to serve political, social, business and dietary purposes.
Most miraculous of all, Paahlm usually holds all of Its coconuts on our palm trees throughout numerous extreme gales until It clears the weather sufficiently for us to venture outside, hold our elections, and then collect the coconuts.
That is, Paahlm used to keep the coconuts on the trees. This year, It allowed them to be carried off by typhoon-strength winds that were even worse than normal.
Why It allowed that to happen this year is beyond me. We Shalampaxians must have done something to piss Paahlm off, although I can’t imagine what. Our spam and cult religion revenues are holding firm despite the current global recession, so I don’t know why Persnickety Paahlm should be displeased with us.
Maybe it’s all part of Paahlm’s Grand Plan. You know the one. That would be the Grand Plan that Freaking Paahlm has chosen to disclose to us only in discrete bits as It unleashes one of the Grand Plan’s horrid incidents after another.
I just wish that the Scoundrel, Paahlm, would revise his Grand Plan a little so it didn’t totally screw us all of the time. For example, rather than usually holding the coconuts on our trees, would it kill the Bastard, Paahlm, to give us clement weather instead so there wouldn’t be any strong winds to threaten the coconuts in the first place?
Sorry. I got carried away. I’m more than a little snarky these days. I foolishly decided to try the rhythm method rather than my normal form of birth control. I’m fertile now and it’s been a few days. I’m horny beyond belief and intolerably on edge.
Where was I? Oh yes, I love Paahlm. I praise and thank It every day for my daily bread. Of course, it would have been nice if Paahlm had blessed this island with some native foodstuffs other than coconuts. Then we wouldn’t have to import all of our damn food and frequently run out of the good stuff. Would that have been too much to ask of Damned, Frigging Paahlm?
Sorry again. I’d better shut up before I piss Paahlm off even more than Its normal Pissy Self.
Somebody remind me not to blog while I’m in heat. Either that or I’ve got to switch off the rhythm method.
I’ve been known to make sweet love with myself using my palm among other related body parts – does that count as a religious experience on Shalampax?
@David: You’re a regular here at Shalampax Speaks and you’ve mentioned that you’ve wandered around the official Shalampax site, so you’ve probably figured out that we usually don’t take our religion very seriously. But, yes, the men here do consider sexual relationships with their palms to be religious experiences. However, being a woman, I have a more deeply spiritual relationship with my forefinger than with my palm.
And, you want ME to come over to clean YOUR refrigerator? I’m gonna go think about this for a while.
@Screaming Me-Me: Huh? You must have me confused with someone else. How would you even get to Shalampax to clean my refrigerator? Besides, even if you could we don’t like having foreigners on our shores. We usually eat them if they come here. We don’t have any cannibalism taboos. So, if you come here, you might spend some time in my refrigerator, but you wouldn’t be in any condition to clean it.