Shalampax Speaks

Paahlmism is the official religion of Shalampax. Most Shalampaxians do a very good job of feigning a practice of Paahlmism, but they do it primarily to get the holidays. There’s nothing wrong with that; I too do whatever it takes to get extra holidays. Nonetheless, few Shalampaxians truly believe in Paahlm in their heart of hearts.

The reason for Shalampaxians’ skepticism is that few of them have tangibly heard the voice of Paahlm. Yet, this is a failure on their part, not on the part of our Lord, Paahlm.

Getting Paahlm to speak directly and clearly to you is, in fact, a very simple process that involves the following steps:

1. Sit comfortably cross-legged on the floor—or, rather, sit as comfortably as you can while cross-legged on the floor. If you’re older than about 15, that’s not particularly comfortably.
2. In a calm voice, repeat aloud to no one in particular, “Paalm is the Lord; the Lord is one,” 442 times.
3. Meditate intensely to the point where your mind is free of all conscious thought. This is easy for most Shalampaxians because there are rarely any thoughts in their brains that need clearing.
4. Inhale deep into your lungs a large quantity of hallucinogen-laced burning incense.

Carefully follow these four simple steps and Paalhm will speak to you in a loud and clear voice in no time. Have snacks handy because Paahlm will probably tell you to eat something.

Sprituality incense, Lord, meditation, Paahlm, religion

Prime Minister Manexposinghimself, who is a huge fan of the United States of America, recently proposed that Shalampax adopt the Second Amendment to the United States Constitution as one of its own laws.

“Because everyone here is too lazy to mount a coup and no other country cares enough about us to attack us — few even know we exist, we have no need for a militia, well-regulated or otherwise, to secure our free state,” said Manexposinghimself. “So that part of the Second Amendment doesn’t affect us. Nonetheless, if we did have a well regulated militia, I’d certainly want them to have the right to keep their arms bare. It gets damn hot and humid here and those well regulated militias do one hell of lot of marching. They’d be dropping like flies if they were forced to wear long-sleeve shirts.”

After he made these comments, it was explained to the prime minister that the word in the Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution is, bear, as in carry, not bare, as in naked, and the phrase is “keep and bear arms,” not “keep bare arms.”

It was further explained to Manexposinghimself that U.S. courts have ruled that the Second Amendment gives people the right to carry guns, whether those people are in well regulated militias or not. And, again according to the courts, the Second Amendment prevents the infringement of those rights by governments, with only very limited “reasonable” exceptions.

On hearing this, Manexposinghimself exclaimed, “Are they fucking idiots? Do you know how many frigging lunatics there are out there? And they want to allow every freaking nut job to buy and carry a gun? I don’t think so! Not in this country. This requires a rethink.”

So, despite earlier indications to the contrary, I wouldn’t count on getting Second Amendment rights here in Shalampax during Manexposinghimself’s term in office. But, rest assured, your right to wear short-sleeve shirts shall not be infringed.

Government American Constitution, bare arms, bear arms, keep and bear arms, keep arms, keep bare arms, Second Amendment, U.S. Constitution, United States Constitution

The weather in Shalampax is legendary. At least, it’s legendary in Shalampax. Few, if any, people beyond our borders know anything about our weather, or about Shalampax for that matter.

All Shalampaxians are painfully aware of the hideousness of our climate. However, what many of our citizens don’t know is that often, even when a Category 5 hurricane is ravaging our island, if you head 50 miles in any direction you’ll find clear skies and calm winds. And, the hurricane typically never moves off our island before it dissipates.

To say the least, this is a remarkable phenomenon, but few scientists outside of Shalampax have bothered to study it because it never affects them or anyone they know or care about.

Scientists here would have studied it long ago, except for the fact that there aren’t any Shalampaxian scientists to speak of. That is to say, we do have a couple of scientists, but good taste prevents us from speaking of them. And, if you know anything about Shalampaxians, if good taste prevents us from talking about them, these must be truly hideous characters. They are.

The closest thing we have to a weather expert is Moldybread. His sole claim to expertise in meteorology was gained by his odd habit of looking out the window occasionally as opposed to being glued to his television set for most of his waking hours, as is the case for the rest of us.

Because he possesses a trait that is all but nonexistent in Shalampax, scientific curiosity, and because he wasn’t able to trick scientists elsewhere into doing the work, Moldybread decided to conduct some research on Shalampax’s weather on his own.

Moldybread imported the world’s largest weather balloon. Unusual for a Shalampaxian, he spared no expense. Modybread bought a balloon that can stay aloft continuously for at least ten years, without the need for maintenance.

Moldybread filled the balloon with helium and launched it during the five minutes of moderately calm weather we had yesterday.

Unfortunately, Modlybread does not know much about weather research. He didn’t realize that the monitoring equipment did not come with the balloon. He figured it was all microchips embedded, out of sight, in the balloon. The balloon was, therefore, just a really good balloon and nothing else.

What’s more, no one told him that he was supposed to tether the balloon to the ground.

On the bright side, Moldybread has gotten himself into the record books as the first Shalampaxian to have created a serious threat to air traffic.

Science weather, weather balloon

This message is intended primarily for Shalampaxians, but the rest of you might want to take note as well as it could change your life.

Something was recently brought to my attention that threw me for a loop. I’m sure this will surprise you as much as it did me. According to a number of highly placed, well-informed, leading semanticists—whatever the hell they are—the expression “rolling in dough,” something that all of us here in Shalampax fervently strive for, is apparently not meant to be taken literally.

Then again, if you enjoy it, feel free to continue.

The owner of the Shalampax Grocery informs me that he will not provide refunds for any unused flour.

However, if you want to get rid of any dough that you have already rolled in, Rottentomato, the owner of Shalampax’s Most Expensive Restaurant, has confirmed that he will be happy to accept it. And the best part is that he will not charge you any dumping fees. Isn’t he a swell guy?

For the next few weeks, expect the breads and pastries on offer at Shalampax’s Most Expensive Restaurant to have a none to subtle aroma and taste of perspiration, along with traces of other body fluids and solids.

Miscellaneous dough, money, rolling in dough

It will come as no surprise to anyone who knows anything about the Shalampax education system to learn that our students are not the most knowledgeable in the world. Now there is proof. A recent survey showed that Shalampax’s teenagers are almost totally lacking in basic common knowledge.

Because we are a small country, our survey was able to question 100 percent of Shalampax’s teenagers rather than just using a representative sample. The results were shocking and, frankly, very depressing.

Only 16 percent of our teenagers knew that the earth rotates on its axis and revolves around the sun. Fully 39 percent thought that the sun revolves around the earth. A further 32 percent thought that the sun is switched on in the morning and pulled across the sky from east to west by an invisible horse. They thought that the sun was turned off at night and then, in the cover of darkness, pulled back to its starting position by the horse, ready to be switched on again in the morning. The final 13 percent answered, “I haven’t a frigging clue.”

In another question, only 15 percent knew that the earth is roughly spherical. A staggering 57 percent thought that it is shaped like a pie plate—flat on the bottom so we won’t fall off, but with a raised rim to hold in the ocean’s waters. Another 12 percent thought it is a cube. Approximately 7 percent thought that it is pyramid with the pointy end delicately balanced on the back of a giant space turtle. According to them, the turtle’s movements explain the changing positions of the stars in the sky throughout the year. The remaining 9 percent said, “I haven’t a frigging clue.”

Knowledge of history was no better. 35 percent of our teenagers thought that World War II was a made-for-TV movie and nothing else. 37 percent thought that it was a very personal, internal war of emotions that a world-traveler fought with himself, but the name was misspelled. According to these teenagers, some books do manage to correctly spell this personal war as “World War I.” This, according to them, contrasts with someone else’s war, which would have been called “World War You.” Only 17 percent correctly thought it was a war “between a whole bunch of countries, a whole bunch of years ago.” And, as expected, the final 11 percent answered, “I haven’t a frigging clue.”

On the bright side, 64 percent of our teenagers knew the name of the latest American Idol. And, despite the final episode of the original show having been filmed a few decades ago, 59 percent of our teenagers could name all three of the Three Stooges. So, the news is not all bad.

Education common knowledge, Education, teenagers

Jeez peeps, I was so busy reporting on Openfly and Dr. Don that I totally missed what was going on right here in Shalampax. The big news, and I mean big in a physical sense, is that Tuboflard, the chief medical officer at the Shalampax Health Clinic, lost 50 pounds.

All Shalampaxians are aware of Tuboflard. How could we miss her? Birdinhand has also mentioned Tuboflard when he passed along some health bulletins in these pages. As a result, many of you are already aware of her vastness. For those who aren’t, suffice it to say that Tuboflard is one Shalampaxian who definitely grew into her name, and then some.

Or am I wrong? Does it not suffice to say only that? Do you need me to paint a clearer picture for you? OK.

Tuboflard is rarely allowed above the first floor for fear of structural damage to our building. When she walks, seismic monitors on the other side of the globe go crazy. People and objects are drawn to Tuboflard because of her gravitational field. And, a major charitable organization has requested that she donate her used dresses so they can be turned into tents to house large extended families trapped in disaster areas. In other words, Tuboflard is mammoth beyond belief.

Losing 50 pounds has had a serious effect on Tuboflard. She is terribly disconcerted. They were British pounds and, despite having a few billion dollars in her bank accounts and stock holdings, Tuboflard, cheap bitch that she is, hates to lose any money no matter how little and no matter what currency it is. (To be fair to Tuboflard, I must say that she is not the only cheap bitch here. Half of all Shalampaxians are cheap bitches. The other half are cheap bastards.)

Anyone finding Tuboflard’s £50 is requested to return it to her, no questions asked. Yeah, like that’s going to happen.

Gossip pounds, weight loss