School Grades Improve
The term has now ended at Shalampax’s school and I’m pleased to announce that, on average, grades have increased school-wide by 18.3% over last year’s results. Our teachers, principal, administrators, school board members and, even more so, students are to be highly commended.
Cynics will point out that grading standards are very much lower in Shalampax than anywhere else in the world. This is true, but the grading standards have remained constant from year to year, so the improvement is still notable and praiseworthy.
Way to go kids! You’ve shown your parents what you can do when you work hard and put your minds to it—something that most of your parents have never done in their lives. Not even for a second.
But remember kids, please don’t gloat too long or rub your parents’ noses in your superior academic achievements. That’s not the Shalampaxian way. Forcing your parents to pay you to shut up about it would, however, be very much in keeping with our customs. That, too, is an important lesson to learn and not something they teach you in school.
Despite the overall increase in school results, school board members still have some concern about students’ self-esteem. As a result, all grades will be increased by one full letter-grade across-the-board, bringing the school-wide average to C-. That will allow the little buggers to feel less shame (as if any Shalampaxian ever felt any shame about anything) about their academic incompetence relative to the world outside Shalampax.
If you keep coddling those youts in school to build enhanced self-esteem, they will be arrogant little shits with far too much attitude. You need to put a stop to this immediately by firing the entire school board.
That is my advice and you would be well-served to implement it ASAP…or not.
@David: You said, “they will be arrogant little shits with far too much attitude.” And your point is, what? If we don’t start them on that road now, how will they ever manage to get there? We value all of our arrogant little (and big) shits with attitude. Not much, but we value them.
Maybe you should send the kiddies to Greece for the summer, that should help boost their self-esteem.
@Screaming Me-Me: The only problem I see with that is that Interpol is looking for most of us, including our kiddies. It’s not that we’d particularly miss any of the little buggers, but none of the women hear want to bear any replacement children.