Shalampax Speaks

Peeps, I don’t know what to tell you. The day we’ve all been waiting for has finally arrived. That is to say, it sort of arrived, but not quite. Unfortunately, the long and the short of it is that the story is no closer to a conclusion than it ever was.

Dr. Don got Openfly’s DNA analysis back from the lab, but the results are clearly flawed. According to the lab, Openfly is largely a cow.

It’s true that all of us Shalampaxians have been called cows once, twice or, more likely, a few thousand times. But, among Shalampaxians, Openfly is the least deserving of that epithet. She is one of the slimmer among us, not that that’s saying much.

Most of us have also had the “pig” and “swine” labels thrown at us. However, those are what pass for terms of endearment here. They aren’t meant to be taken literally.

Clearly, cows are too far off the human evolutionary path for Shalampaxians to be of the cow family.

I knew that there had to be an explanation for this implausible result. There is.

Much to my surprise, it seems that Ph.D. graduates from Muddy York University don’t attract the really big research grants. Dr. Don probably could have received more money by begging for spare change in the poorest section of just about any city in the Third World. As a result, he sent Openfly’s DNA sample to the lowest cost lab he could find.

To claim that the lab’s quality standards are less than ideal would be a gross understatement. Saying it would be roughly on par with saying that Ebola fever is less than desired by most sane people.

Lab workers there are not only permitted to eat lunch at their lab benches; they are encouraged to do so. The lab’s owners think this improves productivity by allowing employees to work through their lunch hours.

As it turns out, the lab worker who analyzed Openfly’s sample has a penchant for steak tartare. And she is a messy eater. Need I say more?

The other ingredients in steak tartare could also explain why the DNA results showed that Openfly has traces of chicken and onion genes in addition to her bovine genes. Did I forget to mention that?

Fortunately, the lab guarantees that its results will be accurate or the next analysis is free. Having used up most of his research funds, Dr. Don is taking advantage of this guarantee. Upon receiving the erroneous analysis, he immediately took another DNA sample from Openfly and mailed it to the lab.

I thought of wiring Dr. Don whatever cash required to employ a reputable lab and an overnight courier service. Thanks to my shares in some of Shalampax’s cult religion companies, the expenditure wouldn’t come close to being a noticeable percentage of my annual income. However, giving him the cash goes too far against my Shalampaxian nature. We take money. We don’t give it.

So peeps, we continue to wait. Sorry about. As always, I’ll keep you posted when news comes in.