Shalampax Speaks

I’ve got great news! I might be fired from my gig as the business writer here at Shalampax Speaks.

If you know anything about Shalampaxians, it probably comes as no surprise to learn that none of us authors here would put ourselves through the effort of writing posts unless our publisher, Birdinhand, had something that he could use against us if we refused.

I’m obviously not going to say what Birdinhand is blackmailing me with, but it’s big. Really big.

And I don’t know what Parliament has on Birdinhand to extort some blog publishing work out of him, but it must be even bigger.

So I’ve been doing my duty at Shalampax Speaks just as Birdinhand and all of the other authors here have been doing theirs. But what if, despite my best efforts, it turns out that I’m incompetent at this job? Who could blame me for my inborn ineptitude?

It shouldn’t be difficult convincing enough people that I’m useless at this job. The men here try to pretend they’re not sexist, but, in truth, they’ve been hoping that I’ll fall on my ass writing this column just to prove that women know nothing about business. Of course, that’s bullshit, but what can I do? Besides, considering that it will get me off this Paahlm-awful writing gig, I won’t be terribly disappointed if they do think I’m not up to the job.

The Paahlm’s honest truth is, it seems as though I’m not as competent as I thought I was. About a week and a half ago I tried to promote Paperplate’s Shalampax souvenir stores. Since then, Paperplate’s sales reports have not registered a single sale. Not one.

That’s not surprising. Everyone knows that honesty doesn’t sell. Paperplate has proven that. He runs the only legitimate business on the island, which also has the dishonorable distinction of being the only unprofitable business in Shalampax. I told Paperplate that if he wanted to make a profit he’d have to scam people like every other respectable business here, but he wouldn’t accept my business acumen.

Now people are blaming me. They say it’s my fault for not doing a good enough job at promoting the store in my blog post. But I ask you, what did they expect when all I had to work with was honesty?

I’m convinced that Paperplate’s lack of sales is not my fault, but others don’t see it that way. Thank Paahlm! Now people are calling for me to be fired from my writing post here because of my ineptitude. All I can say to that is, Yeehaw!

So dear readers, I have a favor to ask. It should be easy for you to grant it to me. Please continue to not buy anything from The Shalampax Flag Shop and The Shalampax Coat of Arms Shop. Maybe I can finally get out of this shitty unpaid job.

Until next time, or not, this is Snotontable signing off for now, or for good.