Shalampax Speaks

Peeps, I don’t know if you’re going to find what I’m about to tell you to be morally reprehensible (and other fun stuff like that), exceptionally funny, mildly amusing, or none of the above. You see, there’s more news to tell in the ongoing Openfly story.

Like the rest of us, Dr. Don Rivers is anxiously awaiting the results of the second attempt to analyze Openfly’s DNA. However, he recently mentioned to me that, even when he does get accurate results, that won’t necessarily definitively answer the question as to whether Shalampaxians are Homo sapiens.

According to Dr. Don, the definition of what constitutes a species is not precise. Zoologists usually define a species as a group of similar individuals that are capable of interbreeding and, if given the chance, would do so.

(This is Dr. Don-speak. I don’t fully understand it: ) If Openfly’s DNA contains only genes that are found in the Homo sapiens genome, including all genomic variations within the species, then Openfly and, by extension, all Shalampaxians are almost certainly members of the Homo sapiens species.

On the other hand, if Openfly’s DNA varies widely from the Homo sapiens genome then Shalampaxians almost certainly constitute a different species.

But what happens if Openfly’s DNA varies from the Homo sapiens genome by only a few genes? Modern science doesn’t know enough yet to say for certain whether that difference is sufficient to prevent the ability and willingness to interbreed.

Because Dr. Don and Openfly have already, as they say, done the deed, we know that a willingness to have sex is there. But if Openfly had unprotected sex with Dr. Don when she was fertile, rather than refusing him during that time as she did, could that have led to a baby? We don’t know. And the DNA results won’t necessarily settle that question.

Dr. Don has proposed an experiment that might provide an answer. He wants to try to get Openfly pregnant.

I suspect there’s more to it than solely scientific curiosity. Openfly is not in one of her fertile periods, but Dr. Don is suggesting that they start to have frequent, wild sex immediately so they will be “comfortable with each other when the time comes.” (I don’t think Dr. Don intended a pun on the word “comes”.)

I haven’t told Dr. Don this, but I don’t think he’ll have much trouble winning Openfly back from the bonobo. Openfly mentioned to me in an email that the bonobo is not satisfying her. He likes to do it frequently—there’s no problem in that area—but the average bonobo copulation lasts only 13 seconds. And this specimen is no record-beater in that regard.

Heck, I don’t like to brag, but Shalampaxian men easily outlast bonobos. The virile, young guys here don’t finish for at least three or four minutes. And some of the young bucks manage to keep going for five or six minutes, including foreplay, of course.

What’s more, the older guys take a lot longer. And I mean a lot. They’re male equipment doesn’t climax as quickly as the younger guys equipment, so some of the older fellows keep at it for a couple of hours. Women often have to have multiple orgasms, sometimes a great many orgasms, before the old fogeys finish.

Needless to say, the old guys get a lot of action, while the young men spend a lot of time becoming intimate with their fists.

I think that’s why male life expectancies are much longer in Shalampax than elsewhere, despite our sedentary lifestyles and poor diets. My theory is that it’s because we have much more to live for in our old age than guys elsewhere.

Sorry about going off on that sexual tangent. Sometimes my mind wanders like that when the subject of sex comes up. What was I going to say? Oh yeah.

I almost threw a spanner into Dr. Don’s plan. I directed him to the history page of Shalampax’s official Web site. A page within the history section clearly states that Marie, who was definitely Homo sapiens, got pregnant a few times from her “encounters” with Shalampaxians. Thus, I argued, it has already been proven that we can interbreed with a known Homo sapiens and, therefore, a further test would be redundant.

Dr. Don emailed me back saying, “Shut the fuck up and mind your own damn business.”

After he thought about it further, Dr. Don followed up with another, more reasoned email that said, “Yes, assuming that your history records are correct, Marie got pregnant a few times while she was in Shalampax. But your history also says that none those pregnancies ever resulted in a child being born and no one knows what happened to prevent that. I suggest that, while we can’t be certain, it’s possible that the fetuses miscarried spontaneously because they were not viable due to the species mismatch.”

Dr. Don concluded that email by asserting, “Thus, the interbreeding experiment must still be performed. And, under the circumstances, I’m just the dude … I mean, scientist to perform it.”

If you’re a regular reader, you know how much Shalampaxian women despise the idea of bearing children. If you’re not a regular reader, let me tell you, it’s a lot.

Dr. Don has offered to compensate Openfly richly for participating in the sex experiment. Considering his financial situation, I’d recommend that Openfly demand payment in advance.

That brings up another point. Dr. Don is offering to pay for sex with Openfly. Isn’t that prostitution? It’s not that I think there is anything wrong with that. I’m just pointing it out.

That’s it for now, peeps. If Openfly agrees to Dr. Don’s proposal, would you like me to blog about the details here? And, if so, exactly how detailed would you like me to get? I know Openfly wouldn’t mind—she’s a world-class exhibitionist—but I don’t know about Dr. Don.