Shalampax Speaks

If you’ve been following my reportage on Openfly and Dr. Don, you’ll know that Dr. Don has proposed an experiment that might verify that Openfly and, presumably, the rest of us Shalampaxians as well, are Homo sapiens. Because scientists usually use the ability and willingness to interbreed as the basis for their definition of the boundary between species, Dr. Don wants to try to impregnate Openfly and have her carry their baby to full term. If successful, that would prove that Openfly is Homo sapiens.

Just moments ago, Openfly told Dr. Don, “maybe.”

Openfly said that, in the interest of science, she would consent to try to get pregnant with Dr. Don’s child, but only if the analysis of her DNA is unable to prove conclusively whether she is Homo sapiens.

While she said only “maybe” to that request, she readily agreed to the second part of Dr. Don’s suggestion. He advised that, even though she is not in a fertile phase right now, they should start having wild, frequent sex immediately so they will be comfortable with each other when Openfly is fertile. Openfly immediately recognized the logic of this argument.

That’s not quite the end of it.

Someone who goes by the name Dogmaw commented on my previous post saying:

“The scientific method demands that experiments have reproducible results, so Openfly would need to have several children with Dr. Don…. providing that Dr. Don really is human that is.”

The last part of that paragraph floored me because it introduced a shocking possibility that I hadn’t considered. As I responded to Dogmaw, the issue he raised, namely that Dr. Don might not be human, mean that:

“The experiment won’t prove anything because, if they do have a child it could mean that we are Homo sapiens. But it could also be because Dr. Don is somehow our species. Maybe a Shalampaxian couple made it out of Shalampax and bore the “person” who is now Dr. Donald Rivers. That thought honestly never occurred to me.

“And if a viable fetus is not possible it might be because Dr. Don is not Homo sapiens, but we are.”

I was at a loss to suggest a scientific experiment that would resolve any possible false positives or false negatives that might result from Dr. Don not being Homo sapiens.

I told Openfly about this. Surprisingly, Openfly, who is not known for superior intelligence, or any intelligence for that matter, came up with a brilliant solution.

You might recall that, in addition to the scientists, most of whom are even bigger nerds than Dr. Don, there are a number of bagpipe players onboard the ship. Openfly has proposed that after she has had Dr. Don’s baby—or fails to conceive with his sperm—she will try to get pregnant with each of the bagpipe players in turn. Surely they can’t all be of another species. Of course, Openfly is thoroughly convinced that she should also immediately start to get very sexually comfortable with them as well.

Dr. Don is less happy with Openfly’s proposal, but he is having trouble rebutting the logic of it.

Stay tuned.