Roof Privileges
Ever since we first occupied our building, Shalampaxians have enjoyed the privilege of being allowed to go up onto the roof during those four or five glorious hours each year when the sun manages to poke through a small hole in the ever-present clouds. Catching those precious few rays is a joy we would all miss if we couldn’t do it.
Nevertheless, the government is considering withdrawing that privilege. During the 12.5 minutes when the sun showed its face yesterday, a number of people went up to the roof. Unfortunately, while they were there, some of those people pissed in the water collection troughs that we use to get our water supply.
If you detected an odor in the water recently, that’s why.
There is no excuse for this. Believe me, I completely understand why you wouldn’t want to miss one minute’s worth of our rare sunshine, but if nature calls while you are up on the roof there are alternatives to pissing in the water collection troughs.
For example, if you’re a guy, why not turn it into a contest? Gather together some of you pals, stand in a row along the edge of the building, and see who can create the highest or farthest arc.
If you do initiate one of these pissing contests, you’d be advised to keep one thing in mind. The winds here never die down completely. And exceptionally strong, unexpected gusts are likely at any time. Choose your building side carefully.
Most people realize that you wouldn’t want the wind to be blowing directly at your face because then your pee will blow back on you. What most people don’t consider is that you also don’t want the wind directly at your back. Gusts are often sufficiently strong to blow all but the heaviest among us over the side if you stand at the edge of the building. This is particularly true when you are concentrating on something, such as taking a wicked piss, other than maintaining your balance.
You’d be wise to pick a side of the building where the wind will be at one of your sides. Although, in the case of a multi-guy contest, jockeying for position to avoid the leeward end of the pissing line may be fierce.
Staging these contests might be more difficult for women, but I’m sure you gals can come up with something equally fun. Feel free to post your suggestions in comments here, but remember, we don’t bar children from this blog. You can greatly amuse the young ones by using any of the more ribald of names for male and female genitalia. They get a big kick out of that sort of thing.
It would be a shame if the government feels the need to lock down the roof, so please remember to pee responsibly.
Uhmm….I’ll have a bottled spring water please.
But I do love a fun pissing arc contest, of course, being a “larger” guy, I have a bit of an aiming advantage. I’m just saying.
@David: It’s too bad you can’t get to Shalampax for the pissing contests. Guys here tend to be short. However, that’s only in overall body height. Our individual body parts aren’t considered short by international standards.
There are international standards for penis length??? I had no idea. This raises so many probing questions.
Where on the internet do I find this scintillating topic discussed at great length?
@David: It might be an idea to Google “world’s longest penis”. Just to round out your research, so to speak, you might also try Googling “world’s thickest penis”. You can then work back from there. Let me know what you find. I think you’ll be surprised.
I had kind of assumed they were minimum size standards – but your suggestions make me think they may be maximum size standards and I might find those troublesome. I must investigate.
@David: Like I said, please let me know what you find when you Google “world’s longest penis” and “world’s thickest penis.” Thanks in advance for doing the research.
My friends, the Googles, keep directing me to some Canadian pervert named Klebanov or something like that talking smack about big ones. I think he is just full of it. He’s probably a registered sex offender.
I never met a Canadian man with a particularly big one…of course, I’ve never conducted any scientific studies using calipers and rulers either.
@David: Yeah, actually, I was just wondering if Google would give you the same results it gave me. It seems to have, but it gave me a different spelling for they guy. When I searched for “world’s longest penis” or, particularly, “world’s thickest penis” it kept showing me the site of a Canadian named Joel Klebanoff. For “world’s thickest penis,” even some of the other sites that Google showed me referred to that guy.
As coincidence would have it, we contracted a guy named Joel Klebanoff — I think it’s the same guy — to help us set up the Shalampax Speaks blog. I thought he was such a loser, but I had no idea of his “hidden asset.”
Oh, if you run into this Joel Klebanoff character, don’t mention you know us. As is our custom with all contractors, we shredded the invoice he sent us for his services without paying it. Like I said, he’s such a loser.