Shalampax Speaks

Hi peeps! Good news; sort of. Dr. Donald Rivers has received the second analysis of Openfly’s DNA. It seems to be accurate this time—or, at least, that’s what Dr. Don tells me.

Unfortunately, the results are inconclusive. This makes me a little suspicious because inconclusive results mean that Dr. Don gets what he wants. He gets to attempt to have a child with Openfly, with the hope of determining if Dr. Don and Openfly are of the same species. Presumably, that species would be Homo sapiens.

Also working in Dr. Don’s favor, during Openfly’s next fertile cycle she’s going to have to stop having sex with the bagpipe players and devote herself exclusively to Dr. Don. This is necessary to, as Dr. Don put it, “avoid contaminating the experiment.”

Yeah, right Doc. Sounds like jealousy to me.

Considering the incentive he has to claim that the results are inconclusive, I think we have to be cautious about believing Dr. Don. However, I have nothing else to go on so, unless and until further evidence comes in, I have no option but to accept what he tells me.

Dr. Don gave more details about the results but, despite him trying to use language I can understand, it always sounds like gibberish to me when he talks about DNA and genetics. Maybe you can make some sense of it. Here’s what he told me in an email:

“According to the lab report, 97.9 percent of Openfly’s DNA exactly matches the Homo sapiens DNA sequence. Of those portions of the Homo sapiens and Shalampaxian DNA sequences that can be compared directly, there is a 99.7 percent correspondence between the sequences. Of course, when I say “Shalampaxian,” I’m assuming that Openfly is genetically typical of Shalampaxians.

“That sounds like a small difference, but it is important to keep in mind that the DNA sequence of the common chimpanzee (Pan troglodytes) is 96 percent identical to the Homo sapiens DNA sequence. And the DNA sequence that is comparable between the two genomes is 99 percent identical.

“Few people would have any difficulty differentiating humans and chimpanzees by simply looking at them. And there is no question that humans and chimpanzees are of different species. So, you see, just a few differences in DNA can produce large differences in animal characteristics.

“I know that I have hypothesized that Openfly is closer to the bonobos species than to the common chimpanzee. I used the common chimpanzee as an example here of how a few genetic differences can have large effects only because chimpanzee DNA has been more closely studied than bonobo DNA.

“In any case, it was only an example to illustrate how close we are to other species, genetically speaking. Besides, common chimpanzees and bonobos are very closely related. It is believed that their DNA sequences differ by only about 0.4 percent.

“The point is, Openfly’s DNA is close enough to that of the Homo sapiens species that she could be Homo sapiens. However, there is enough of a difference that she might not be.

“As I mentioned in my previous correspondence, the ability for individuals to mate is what scientists generally use as the definition of species membership. Thus, the only way to properly classify her species and, by extension, all Shalampaxians’ species, would be to attempt a mating between her and a human.

“As you know, I’ve volunteered to participate in that experiment, for purely scientific reasons, of course. Despite her extreme reticence concerning motherhood, she has agreed to proceed with the experiment in return for the payment of considerable financial compensation.

“Openfly mentioned that you told her that she should demand payment up-front before proceeding with the experiment. I am a tad short of funds at this juncture. Fortunately, Openfly ignored you and agreed to accept an IOU.”

Hmm … paying with an IOU. It makes me wonder if maybe Dr. Don is Shalampaxian. If so, Openfly will never see the money.

Well, peeps, that’s were it stands. We probably won’t have any more news for a while.

We know that Openfly had a fertile period that began on May 16. Shalampaxian women usually have 28-day cycles. Right on schedule, her vagina turned red again on June 13.

Openfly says that her vagina is still red, so she’s probably still fertile, but being late in the cycle, Openfly and Dr. Don might have missed their chance this time around. By my calculations, if Openfly doesn’t conceive now, her next fertile period should start on July 11, assuming her cycle holds to the normal 28 days.

It takes nine months to produce a baby, so we have a while to wait to see if Dr. Don and Openfly can produce a viable child.

Of course, if the fetus is not viable, we’ll know sooner. However, because not all fetuses are viable even when there is no inter-species mating, I’m sure Dr. Don will insist on trying again in that case. I think I’ve started to understand Dr. Don’s thinking. Horny bastard.

What I’m saying is, I probably won’t have much to report on this story for a while. I’m sure some juicy tidbits will come up from time to time. I’ll be sure to report them if they do, but otherwise, don’t be surprised if you don’t hear anything for a while.

I’m happy about that because it will give me a chance to get caught up on the juicy gossip here in Shalampax. Of course, I’ll report anything I hear on the local scene as soon as I hear it.

Later, peeps.