Xenophobia Treatment
As Shalampaxians and regular readers know, Shalampaxians are, to say the least, somewhat xenophobic. This has reached the point where we long ago acquired the habit of eating foreigners who manage to venture onto our shores and overstay their welcome.
People who come here other than to do some construction work for us are considered to have overstayed their welcome the instant they arrive. We allow construction workers onto our island because we are totally useless at building anything ourselves.
Construction workers who stay more than five minutes after they complete their work are also considered to have overstayed their welcome. This is true even during those almost continuous occasions when the weather makes leaving treacherous.
To clarify, when I say “eat foreigners,” I’m not referring to oral sex. Although, if that’s a foreigner’s last wish, we are happy to arrange for that to happen before we prepare the foreigner for dinner.
The word that is commonly used to describe our practice is cannibalism, but that’s such an ugly term. We prefer to think of it as an excellent way to meet our protein requirements, while conveniently getting rid of unwanted guests at the same time.
Many people have told us that our practice of eating foreigners is antisocial to the extreme. We don’t see it that way. Nonetheless, because we are increasingly interacting with the outside world, other people’s opinions can have a serious impact on our lives if those people decide to take action on their opinions.
In an attempt to cure us of our xenophobia, the government invited the world’s leading psychiatrist, Dr. Luna Cyreigns, to come to Shalampax and treat us en masse. Because of the weather conditions and the resulting danger of travel to our island, this took quite a while to arrange.
Dr. Cyreigns finally arrived yesterday. By all accounts, she was delicious.
I guess we still have a ways to go in our treatment.
Here in the USA, we have several well-known and outspoken experts whom I think can offer a great deal of advice on xenophobia as well as behavior modification. If I may be so bold, I suggest that the government of Shalampax contract for the services of Lou Dobbs, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter. At the conclusion of the consultations, Rush will provide ample food reserves for months to come. Ann is a bit lean and wiry but feisty and zesty – a spicy enchilada as it were.
@David: Can you recommend any wines that would go well with them?
Personally I’m a crisp Chardonnay kind of guy but I’m told that a full bodied California Merlot is ideal for such entrees.
@David: Thanks. It’s nice to have such a connoisseur to advise us. Most of us prefer red wines with meat dishes, so we’ll probably go with a Merlot.