Tuboflard Loses 50 Pounds
Jeez peeps, I was so busy reporting on Openfly and Dr. Don that I totally missed what was going on right here in Shalampax. The big news, and I mean big in a physical sense, is that Tuboflard, the chief medical officer at the Shalampax Health Clinic, lost 50 pounds.
All Shalampaxians are aware of Tuboflard. How could we miss her? Birdinhand has also mentioned Tuboflard when he passed along some health bulletins in these pages. As a result, many of you are already aware of her vastness. For those who aren’t, suffice it to say that Tuboflard is one Shalampaxian who definitely grew into her name, and then some.
Or am I wrong? Does it not suffice to say only that? Do you need me to paint a clearer picture for you? OK.
Tuboflard is rarely allowed above the first floor for fear of structural damage to our building. When she walks, seismic monitors on the other side of the globe go crazy. People and objects are drawn to Tuboflard because of her gravitational field. And, a major charitable organization has requested that she donate her used dresses so they can be turned into tents to house large extended families trapped in disaster areas. In other words, Tuboflard is mammoth beyond belief.
Losing 50 pounds has had a serious effect on Tuboflard. She is terribly disconcerted. They were British pounds and, despite having a few billion dollars in her bank accounts and stock holdings, Tuboflard, cheap bitch that she is, hates to lose any money no matter how little and no matter what currency it is. (To be fair to Tuboflard, I must say that she is not the only cheap bitch here. Half of all Shalampaxians are cheap bitches. The other half are cheap bastards.)
Anyone finding Tuboflard’s £50 is requested to return it to her, no questions asked. Yeah, like that’s going to happen.
That title didn’t fool me – not even one little bit. There are no scales in Shalampax that could determine Tuboflard’s weight and I’m sure of this since it would take truck scales but, with no roads, there are no trucks and thus no need for truck scales. Besides, 50 pounds of ass-lard from her would be like a toothpick in the wind.
I would be suspicious that Openfly took that 50 pounds when she left the island – it always helps to have some cash in hand when going to strange new places.
@David: Tuboflard estimates her weight by how much of a depression she makes in our stone floors when she walks across them.
I hadn’t thought of the possibility that Openfly stole the £50 as spending money for her little excursion. Although I think Tuboflard still had it after Openfly left. I’ll have to check up on that.
If Tuboflard can depress stone then she should wield enough pressure to convert lumps of coal into diamonds.
@David: Yes, so, what’s your point? Are diamonds valuable where you live? They’re not here. We find them lying around all over the place here, particularly where Tuboflard has passed.
Well, unlike David, the title fooled me. I was reading with great interest to learn of Tuboflard’s weight loss secret because I am tiring of the Wii Fit routine I have established. I work out for an hour and a half then, usually, I cool down with a box of Twinkies and a Diet Coke. I’m just not seeing the results I wanted.
@Screaming Me-Me: It’s doubtful that it will happen, but if you ever find yourself in the presence of Tuboflard, I recommend that you leave the Twinkies behind or be prepared to surrender them readily. You won’t survive the experience otherwise.
By the way, me and the other guys here in Shalampax have seen the latest picture of you that you’ve put up on your blog. You’ve become extremely popular here … you crazy beatnik, you.