Shalampax Speaks

It will come as no surprise to anyone who knows anything about the Shalampax education system to learn that our students are not the most knowledgeable in the world. Now there is proof. A recent survey showed that Shalampax’s teenagers are almost totally lacking in basic common knowledge.

Because we are a small country, our survey was able to question 100 percent of Shalampax’s teenagers rather than just using a representative sample. The results were shocking and, frankly, very depressing.

Only 16 percent of our teenagers knew that the earth rotates on its axis and revolves around the sun. Fully 39 percent thought that the sun revolves around the earth. A further 32 percent thought that the sun is switched on in the morning and pulled across the sky from east to west by an invisible horse. They thought that the sun was turned off at night and then, in the cover of darkness, pulled back to its starting position by the horse, ready to be switched on again in the morning. The final 13 percent answered, “I haven’t a frigging clue.”

In another question, only 15 percent knew that the earth is roughly spherical. A staggering 57 percent thought that it is shaped like a pie plate—flat on the bottom so we won’t fall off, but with a raised rim to hold in the ocean’s waters. Another 12 percent thought it is a cube. Approximately 7 percent thought that it is pyramid with the pointy end delicately balanced on the back of a giant space turtle. According to them, the turtle’s movements explain the changing positions of the stars in the sky throughout the year. The remaining 9 percent said, “I haven’t a frigging clue.”

Knowledge of history was no better. 35 percent of our teenagers thought that World War II was a made-for-TV movie and nothing else. 37 percent thought that it was a very personal, internal war of emotions that a world-traveler fought with himself, but the name was misspelled. According to these teenagers, some books do manage to correctly spell this personal war as “World War I.” This, according to them, contrasts with someone else’s war, which would have been called “World War You.” Only 17 percent correctly thought it was a war “between a whole bunch of countries, a whole bunch of years ago.” And, as expected, the final 11 percent answered, “I haven’t a frigging clue.”

On the bright side, 64 percent of our teenagers knew the name of the latest American Idol. And, despite the final episode of the original show having been filmed a few decades ago, 59 percent of our teenagers could name all three of the Three Stooges. So, the news is not all bad.