Rolling in Dough
This message is intended primarily for Shalampaxians, but the rest of you might want to take note as well as it could change your life.
Something was recently brought to my attention that threw me for a loop. I’m sure this will surprise you as much as it did me. According to a number of highly placed, well-informed, leading semanticists—whatever the hell they are—the expression “rolling in dough,” something that all of us here in Shalampax fervently strive for, is apparently not meant to be taken literally.
Then again, if you enjoy it, feel free to continue.
The owner of the Shalampax Grocery informs me that he will not provide refunds for any unused flour.
However, if you want to get rid of any dough that you have already rolled in, Rottentomato, the owner of Shalampax’s Most Expensive Restaurant, has confirmed that he will be happy to accept it. And the best part is that he will not charge you any dumping fees. Isn’t he a swell guy?
For the next few weeks, expect the breads and pastries on offer at Shalampax’s Most Expensive Restaurant to have a none to subtle aroma and taste of perspiration, along with traces of other body fluids and solids.
Dear Birdinhand and fellow Shalampaxians,
For many years I have practiced the “art” of rolling in the dough with all the enthusiasm of an Olympic contender, I never tire of this activity. In fact, I much prefer this to rolling in the hay.
Rottentomato may allow you to dump for free, but I am offering a penny a pound for your used dough. Call me at BR-549 for pick up.
Signed,
Yeastiegirl
@MadMadMargo: Yeastiegirl, You sound like our type of woman! I seriously doubt that Shalampaxians will stop this activity now that they know that it’s not what was meant by the expression “rolling in dough.” Most of us love it.
You mention that you prefer it to rolling in hay. Are you aware that “a roll in the hay” is a euphemism for for sex? I learned this only recently. We don’t have any hay here, but there has been plenty of sex going on while rolling in dough, which explains the traces of other body fluids. It’s also what gives our bread its unique flavor.
As to your offer of a penny a pound, you’ll probably win that competition. Rotentomato is a cheap bastard, which is a trait that runs deep in the Shalampaxian gene pool.
I was thinking that I would start making my breads by rolling in the dough first so that there would be that personal element of individualized sweat to provide the perfect saltiness needed since I’ve grown tired of sea salt and kosher salt….until I read the part about “traces of other body fluids and solids.”
I’m just not sure how to adjust my bread recipes for that mysterious “solids” element – and no, I don’t think I want someone to solve that mystery for me. Indeed, ignorance may well be bliss – a concept that I think most if not all Shalampaxians may embrace.
@David: It’s too bad you’re queazy about the possibility of bodily solids. Rolling in dough can make the kneading process so much more enjoyable. You just have to acquire a taste for some of the strange flavors that might work their way into the mix — and you can’t be too particular about sanitation.
And, if you’ll look a few comments up you’ll see there’s an open offer from Yiestiegirl to take it any leftovers off your hands for a penny a pound.