The Voice of Paahlm
Paahlmism is the official religion of Shalampax. Most Shalampaxians do a very good job of feigning a practice of Paahlmism, but they do it primarily to get the holidays. There’s nothing wrong with that; I too do whatever it takes to get extra holidays. Nonetheless, few Shalampaxians truly believe in Paahlm in their heart of hearts.
The reason for Shalampaxians’ skepticism is that few of them have tangibly heard the voice of Paahlm. Yet, this is a failure on their part, not on the part of our Lord, Paahlm.
Getting Paahlm to speak directly and clearly to you is, in fact, a very simple process that involves the following steps:
- Sit comfortably cross-legged on the floor—or, rather, sit as comfortably as you can while cross-legged on the floor. If you’re older than about 15, that’s not particularly comfortably.
- In a calm voice, repeat aloud to no one in particular, “Paalm is the Lord; the Lord is one,” 442 times.
- Meditate intensely to the point where your mind is free of all conscious thought. This is easy for most Shalampaxians because there are rarely any thoughts in their brains that need clearing.
- Inhale deep into your lungs a large quantity of hallucinogen-laced burning incense.
Carefully follow these four simple steps and Paalhm will speak to you in a loud and clear voice in no time. Have snacks handy because Paahlm will probably tell you to eat something.
I’m pretty sure I will never have a Paahlm-inspired religious experience if I have to chant anything for 442 times and don’t even get me started on yoga positions. I can’t imagine any of your denizens would be chanting like that either.
I think I would fit right in on Shalampax with my slothful habits and mediocre attitudes – alas, I prefer not to be a dinner entree.
@David: I’m not certain, but you may be able to bypass the yoga position, the repetitions and the meditation and go straight for the hallucinogens. If you give that a try, please let me know if it works out for your.
Yes, the desire to avoid being the main course for dinner does tend to discourage most immigration to Shalampax.
1. I’m locked up like a pretzel.
2. I lost count at 54.
3. Huh?
4. The colors, man. I can catch my hand.
@MadMadMargo: You are close. You are so close to bringing the glory of Paahlm into your life. Keep at it and soon you will enjoy the rapture of Paahlm. Either that or you will go permanently stark, raving mad. Both alternatives are equally possible.