For the 42nd year running, Shalampax’s annual “Clean Your Apartment Day” has been cancelled due to pervasive slothfulness, universal slobbishness, and an overall lack of interest. Please feel free to allow your filth to accumulate for another year.
Sorry for any inconvenience.
As Shalampaxians and regular readers know, Shalampaxians are, to say the least, somewhat xenophobic. This has reached the point where we long ago acquired the habit of eating foreigners who manage to venture onto our shores and overstay their welcome.
People who come here other than to do some construction work for us are considered to have overstayed their welcome the instant they arrive. We allow construction workers onto our island because we are totally useless at building anything ourselves.
It would appear that the counting skills of Decayingdeadbird, who is now bordering on age-related dementia—and exiled on the wrong side of the border—were always somewhat lacking, to say the least. Decayingdeadbird was the “architect” who designed Shalampax’s building back in 1956. She also oversaw its construction.
It has recently come to the attention of the Government of Shalampax that Decayingdeadbird mislabeled the floors of our building. What she labeled as the third floor, containing apartments numbered beginning with a “3,” is actually the fourth floor. And what she labeled as the fourth floor, with apartments numbered beginning with “4,” is the third floor.
Today is Fathers’ Day in Shalampax. In many places, Fathers’ Day receives considerably less attention than Mothers’ Day. This is nowhere truer than in Shalampax.
The reason for this lack of interest in Fathers’ Day here boils down to a question of paternity.
Fully 23.7 percent of Shalampaxians do not know who their biological father is. Furthermore, their mothers don’t know either. It is estimated that a further 40 to 50 percent of Shalampaxians think their father is someone other than who he is. Because of the sensitive nature of the question, it is believed that the studies that produced these numbers may underestimated them significantly.
Four of Shalampax’s spam companies have begun to invoke the name of Joel Klebanoff as a “celebrity” endorsement for their male enhancement products. They are doing so because, as of June 18, 2009, Google listed him as number one for “world’s thickest penis” and number five for “world’s longest penis”.
Klebanoff was not available for comment because I couldn’t be bothered to try to get in touch with him. In addition, I’ve been told that he’s a total jerk and nobody in his or her right mind would want to converse with him. What’s more, considering his claim to fame, he’s almost certainly too busy jerking off to take time to talk to me.
Spiltmilk, a member of the Shalampax school board, has recently been reading the writings of some of the world’s experts on education theory. This always annoys the hell out of the other school board members because implementing the ideas she gets from her readings invariable necessitates unreasonable efforts by the board members, such as signing documents or nodding their heads in assent.
Her latest reading has led Spiltmilk to believe that Shalampax should include physical education in its school program, something that it has never done before. According to Spiltmilk, physical education is an essential part of building not just strong bodies, but also strong minds.
