Shalampax Speaks

Peeps, isn’t it always the way? I finally get a break from covering the ongoing Openfly saga, and what happens? My first two reports are on one person. This time it’s our massively larger than life chief medical officer at the Shalampax Medical Clinic, Tuboflard. I hope I’m not getting into another rut, but this news is too important to ignore.

Before I tell you what’s happening, I need to put a little background info out there. Those of you who are keeping count will know that Shalampax has been two people below its strict population allocation of 4,242 since the deaths Brushontable and Burnedoutlightbulb, .

We have not yet had a chance to conduct the usual selection process to elect women to fill these two population vacancies. Not surprisingly, Shalampaxian women have been anticipating the selection event with substantial dread. Well, I’m happy to say they can put their minds at ease. They are off the hook.

In the wee small hours of this morning, Tuboflard gave birth to triplets. The incredible part is that her hugeness hid the three little ones that were growing within her so well that Tuboflard had absolutely no idea that she was pregnant until the labor pains started. Even then, she at first thought it was just something she ate.

Tuboflard’s shock at this state of affairs is understandable. According to her, she can’t remember having sex within the past year. It is possible that a man could have snuck up on her without her noticing. Her enormously fat face drastically restricts her peripheral vision. And she hasn’t been able to see below her prodigious belly since her early teens.

Nonetheless, you’d think Tuboflard would have felt something if a guy sidled up to her and had intercourse with her without her seeing it. But Tuboflard claims that she doesn’t recall having felt anything of the sort nine months ago.

Then there’s another point to contemplate. Considering her enormity, the logistics of sex with Tuboflard is mind-boggling and nausea-inducing. Purely from a perspective of practicability, how could it happen?

There must be several layers of fat folded over her vagina. Many incredibly sick and twisted people have speculated on how, under the circumstances, she is able to pee. The general consensus is that it almost certainly involves plastic tubes, but those tubes likely wouldn’t be of much use when boinking.

What’s more, with all of that fat in the way, how could a man get close enough to penetrate her womanly portal even if he could lift the folds out of the way? This morning’s evidence proves that some guy has figured it out, but so far no one is admitting to it.

The births were difficult. A Caesarean section was out of the question. There was far too much fat to cut through. The scalpels available in Shalampax were not up to the task. Not even close.

Thus, the only choice was vaginal childbirth. To facilitate that, a forklift had to be brought in to lift Tuboflard’s thigh fat out of the way so the babies would have a clear path out into the world.

Surprisingly, despite the difficulties, all three babies made it out of Tuboflard. Mother and babies are all healthy.

You have, no doubt, spotted a problem. We are now one person over our strict population quota.

If any of my fellow Shalampaxians have been thinking of committing suicide, now would be a good time for one of you to do so. Government-funded suicide support will be provided to the first person who applies for it.

Gossip birth, births, boinking, copulation, population, sex, triplets