English Cucumbers
With the obvious exception of coconuts, it is remarkably rare for us to get any fresh fruit or vegetables here in Shalampax. Because everything other than coconuts, which are grown locally, has to be sent here by ship and that ship often has to wait offshore for months until the weather clears long enough to unload its cargo, we have to make do with frozen, dried and canned fruits and vegetables.
Fortunately, the most recent supply ship to visit us had the good sense to stow all of its cargo in the hold and put soil on its deck. It then grew a crop of vegetables on it’s way to Shalampax.
The ship’s captain, who had his crop harvested just before the ship’s cargo was offloaded, sold us his fresh vegetables.
The captain devoted the largest portion of his garden to English cucumbers. Why he chose, in particular, English cucumbers is a mystery because the ships crew calls him “Capitaine La Merde.” I think that might not be his real name, but rather an affectionate nickname given to him by the crew. Nonetheless, it hardly seems English to me.
Surprisingly, despite the large size of the shipment, the Shalampax Grocery Store sold its entire stock of English cucumbers within one day.
I’d like to address my remaining comments to the women of Shalampax. You are, of course, free to use your cucumbers however you please, but you do know, don’t you, that English cucumbers are intended as food, not sex toys?
Many of the men here, myself included, have been complaining because most of the women who bought the English cucumbers would much rather spend time—if you get my drift—with their cucumbers rather than with the men in their lives.
These cucumbers must be a safe-sex god-send for the Shalampax women who are in their fertile period – good luck persuading them to cut that out.
Has the Shalampax government ever considered buying a few ships to be permanent gardens off the coast to ship produce ashore in the quiet-weather moments? The ultimate in hydroponic gardens.
@David: Fertile or not, the women here seem to prefer cucumbers to men. I don’t think the women will give up the cucumbers until they rot into pulp.
That’s a good idea about the boats. I don’t know why no one here has ever thought of it, other than the fact that we aren’t very good at creative thought unless there’s an element of scam to it. Can you think of any way of tricking some ship owners into providing their ships to us for free? That sort of idea is more likely to gain acceptance here. We are incredibly wealthy, but equally incredibly cheap.
Why does Monty Python’s Holy Grail come to mind this morning?
GUARD #1: Where’d you get the coconut?
ARTHUR: We found them.
GUARD #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut’s tropical!
ARTHUR: What do you mean?
GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin
or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not
strangers to our land.
GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried.
GUARD #1: What — a swallow carrying a coconut?
ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!
GUARD #1: It’s not a question of where he grips it! It’s a simple
question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a
1 pound coconut
ARTHUR: Well, it doesn’t matter. Will you go and tell your master
that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
(sigh) I need a cup of coffee……or something.
@MadMadMargo: Doesn’t everything bring to mind one Monty Python bit or another? I can’t tell you how many Shalampaxians have made money selling “sleeping” parrots. Monty Python movies and television shows are among the most pirated videos here in Shalampax.
@Birdinhand
Those Somali pirates may have some unclaimed ships in the lost and found that they would be glad to be rid of.
@David: I’m definitely going to recommend to the government that we try to claim those out of the lost and found as our own. Who’s to say they’re not? The pirates have probably filed off the registration numbers by now. Thanks!