Balance Restored
I have some absolutely fabulous news, peeps! Lightningstrikingtree has committed suicide.
In a suicide note, Lightningstrikingtree admitted that he had fathered Tuboflard’s triplets and the shame of having boinked her was too much for him to bear. Lightningstrinkingtree’s note cast no light on how he was able to impregnate Tuboflard without, according to her, her knowing about it. However, he did say in his note that, and I quote, “it was good for me.”
Why is this fabulous news? There are a number of reasons, including the following:
- Lightningstrikingtree’s timely death brings the Shalampax population back down to 4,242, which is the perfect equilibrium dictated by the size and design of our building.
- Lightningstrikingtree was universally hated vehemently. It appears that there really is a Paahlm and It does answer our most fervent prayers. Praise be to Paahlm.
- Lightningstrikingtree’s huge, coveted collection of porn DVDs are there for the taking. Or, at least, they were there for the taking until about 37 seconds after it became known that they were there for the taking.
It was a madhouse that, not surprisingly, included considerable groping among the gathered crowd. Many people present exclaimed that it was good for them.
- The name Lightningstrikingtree, the coolest name so far in Shalampax, is available for assignment to another baby. Of course, as per our tradition, parents can give this name to their baby only if, after their baby is born, lightning striking a tree is the first thing they notice other than things that are already used as Shalampaxian names.
Because Tuboflard is not a very perceptive person, she has not noticed a lot of things since her triplets were born. As a result, none of them have names yet. Rumor has it that, since she heard of Lightningstrikingtree’s death, Tuboflard, whose windows face our palm tree patch, has been staring out her window waiting for the inevitable lightning strike.
- Lightningstrikingtree was enormously wealthy and he died intestate. By Shalampaxian law, his entire fortune will go to the first person who is able to credibly forge a will in his name.
It’s time to get busy, peeps!
Memorial services for Lightningstrikingtree will be held on Friday. However, it is expected that no one will attend as everyone will be too busy celebrating his death.
