Coconut Consecration
It has been the general practice of The Exalted Coconut, the highest priestly position in the Paahlmist religion, to bless the coconuts of any Shalampaxian who wants his or her coconuts blessed. This is felt to be an innocent pretense at religion by Paahlm worshipers and a good source of revenue for The Exalted Coconut.
The current Exalted Coconut has taken a radical stance. At yesterday’s religious service she refused to sanctify the coconuts that were brought before her.
The Exalted Coconut’s argument was that, through consecration, the flesh of the coconut transubstantiates into the body of Paahlm and the coconut milk transubstantiates into the blood of Paahlm. It would, she argues, be sacrilegious to eat the body and blood of Paahlm. Thus, the current Exalted Coconut has declared that coconuts that will be eaten should be left unconsecrated.
Sometimes the word “coconuts” is taken as a euphemism for breasts or testicles. The current Exalted Coconut continued to bless these at yesterday’s service.
For those of you who still enjoy the practice of having your coconuts blessed (whether or not you use the word “coconuts” literally), don’t worry. Because the position of The Exalted Coconut changes at every service, you’ll undoubtedly be able to receive the blessing next time. Save your coconuts; literal or otherwise.
