Tuboflard’s Breast Milk
Considering that she recently gave birth to triplets, you won’t be surprised to learn that Tuboflard is lactating. Boy, is she lactating!
The volume of milk that this gal is producing would make any major dairy herder happy. We don’t have any dairy herders in Shalampax, which is not surprising as there aren’t any animals other than us Shalampaxians here, but if we did, they would be eyeing Tuboflard with exceedingly lewd and materialistic looks.
Tuboflard’s milk production is, for some reason, proportional to the size of her breasts. It’s not that her breasts are particularly large in relation to the rest of her body, but if you’re a regular reader you’ll know that the rest of her body knows no bounds. Or if it knows any bounds, it’s not adhering to them. Which is to say that, relative to other women, Tuboflard’s breasts are massive.
If Tuboflard ever attempted to go swimming, her breasts would be a hazard to ship navigation. Unconfirmed rumors suggest that, in the past, Tuboflard has allowed toddlers to user her breasts for early-childhood ski jump training. But that might be just an urban legend, but her triplets might be in for some fun.
Suffice it to say that Tuboflard is producing more breast milk than her triplets need.
Being a true Shalampaxian and, therefore, not one to pass up a money-making opportunity, Tuboflard has entered into a contract with Rottentomato, proprietor of Shalampax’s Most Expensive Restaurant. Rottentomato has agreed to buy all of Tuboflard’s excess breast milk.
There is already a list of 22 men and five women who have volunteered to help Tuboflard manually pump her milk to fulfill the contract. Contact Tuboflard directly if you’d like to add your name to the list.
Rottentomato has some advice for his patrons: “Try the ice cream for dessert. It’s delicious and all-natural.”
LOL! I really love the breast feeding ads under it!!! I think I’ll pass on the ice cream until a food critic reviews it
@Sheri Jones: The ads below the post are served up by Google. Google looks at the content of the Web page and makes a best guess about what people are looking for based on that. Not everyone will see the same ads. Sometimes the ads are still based on content from previous posts. For example, I see one to “Increase Breast Milk”, but another ad that is displaying at the same time is titled “Acai Berry Scams”, which relates to a post from a few days ago.
As to the ice cream, locals know that it’s wise to stay away from everything on Rottentomato’s menu, but we are gluttons for punishment.
With such a voluminous output from Tuboflard’s massive boobies, the Shalampax Flag Store may need to start marketing breast milk products just to get rid of the vast quantities of over production that Rottentomato can’t sell before the island is flooded with her milk.
@David: Rottentomato is much more entrepreneurial than Paperplate, owner of the the Shalampax Flag Store, when it comes to these things. I’m confident Rottentomato will find a way to profitably foist on his customers Tuboflard’s full milk production.
Besides, Paperplate is an idiot. He turned over the full production, shipping and order-taking functions of his store to a legitimate American company, Cafepress. Can you believe it? Paperplate is using a legitimate supplier. What an idiot. Where’s the profit in that? The upshot is that he can only sell stuff that Cafepress supplies and ships.