Shalampax Speaks

The best marketing practices do not try to convince people that they need something they don’t need. Rather, the classic marketing model dictates that marketers endeavor to discover gaps in the market—goods, services and/or price points that people need and want, but can’t currently get—and then find ways to fill those gaps.

Shalampaxians typically ignore the marketing model and simply rely on petty—and sometimes not so petty—larceny and deception to fill their larders with lucre, glorious lucre. Emptychampagnebottle has come up with what promises to be a very lucrative way to adhere to the textbook marketing model, without forsaking Shalampaxian business traditions.

Here’s the basis of his idea: Many less-than-scrupulous people have, over the years, evaded taxes in their home countries by concealing their money in tax havens that offer strict bank secrecy.

Because of strong pressure, including the threat of serious economic sanctions, from the United States and other countries, many tax havens have changed the laws that formerly allowed their banks to keep information about their customers’ funds from the prying eyes of foreign governments. As a result, the opportunities for the rich to hide their wealth safely and securely from their government’s tax authorities are dwindling precipitously.

Appalling though it may seem, if the current trend continues, there might come a time when prosperous people will have little choice but to pay the full taxes owing under the tax system under which they live. Of course, this is making many of them quite uneasy and upset. They are desperately seeking a new place to hide their money. Emptychampagnebottle plans to reap enormous profits by filling this looming void in the financial marketplace.

Emptychampagnebottle has founded the First Covert Bank of Shalampax.

As you may know, Shalampax has no taxes as such. When the government needs money, its Funds Facilitator goes out and, literally, picks the pockets of Shalampaxians until the required funds have been raised.

Because, under Emptychampagnebottle’s business plan, all of the First Covert Bank of Shalampax’s customers will live offshore, they will not be subject to this pocket-picking. They will, therefore, not need to pay any tax whatsoever to Shalampax. Thus, Shalampax qualifies as the ultimate tax haven.

To provide his customers with the confidentiality they need to evade taxes in their own countries, Emptychampagnebottle has convinced the Government of Shalampax to pass a law that not only allows the bank to refuse to give out information about its customers’ account, but makes it strictly illegal for it to do so.

To ensure absolute privacy, there will be no exceptions to this stringent confidentiality rule. The bank will not, for example, be allowed to tell its customers how much money is in their accounts.

And, because communications can be traced, the bank will also not be allowed to send any funds to its customers, even if those customers request withdrawals from their accounts. (These tight security controls notwithstanding, transfers required to move funds into customers’ accounts will be considered to be acceptable risks.)

All deposited funds will, therefore, remain in a customer’s account until the customer’s death.

Shalampax does not recognize wills filed outside of Shalampax. In addition, outsiders are not allowed to file wills in Shalampax.

On a customer’s death, the Shalampaxian law concerning the distribution of the estates of people who die intestate will apply. This law clearly states that, under these circumstances, possession is ten tenths of the law. Consequently, the bank will be allowed to keep all of the funds.

This ultimate in bank secrecy should appeal to affluent people who want an absolute assurance that their funds will be 100 percent sheltered from the tax authorities of their home country. Regularly falling for Ponzi schemes and other scams would be a another good indicator that someone is a member of Emptychampagnebottle’s target market.