Cannibalism World Record
As regular readers know well, we Shalampaxians are a tad xenophobic. While the feeling among Shalampaxians is generally, “loaf and let live,” we have a nasty habit of eating any outsiders who somehow manage to land on our island.
We are not the only people who have ever practiced cannibalism. However, I’ve done some research and found that, due to the exceptionally small size of our island, there are more people per square foot here who have at one time or another practiced cannibalism than there have been anywhere else on earth at any time in the history of the planet.
This factoid astounded me. Proud of our island nation’s uniqueness, I applied to have our cannibalistic achievement listed in the Guinness World Records.
So far, I’ve been frustrated in this objective. It seems that the Guinness people won’t just take my word for it. They insist on verifying our record themselves before officially including it in their book and on their Web site. Unfortunately, Guinness has not been able to convince any of its staff to venture out to our island to certify our cannibalism record. Go figure.
Those Guinness people…just a bunch of wusses. Have they never heard the phrase “No Guts, no glory”? Or “No Pain, no gain”? This is the sad state of investigative journalism today.
It brings a tear to my eye. Oh, were you unaware that I had only the one eye?
@David: Yes, you said it about those Guinness people! Definitely no sense of adventure.
Sorry to hear about you having only one eye. Although, that might improve your chances here in Shalampax. I can’t speak from personal experience, but I’m told that the eyeballs are the tastiest parts. Some people here might consider it to be not worth the effort to consume you.
I am shocked – shocked and appalled I tell you, that your fellow Shalampaxians have refused to share the glorious and exquisite cuisine of the totally tasty eyeballs with you. How dare they deprive you of experiencing those tasty morsels?
btw – I actually have more than one eye but I only use one at a time to keep from wearing them out. The batteries are quite expensive.
@David: Yes, well, Shalampaxians aren’t known for their generosity or camaraderie.
Smart move extending your sight power by switching eyes.