California Offer
The State of California’s budget crisis is over, somewhat.
The state has been paying with IOUs. I guess that’s why they need a former muscle-building terminator as governor. In case anybody complains about the IOUs, he can explain things to those girly-men whiners, if you get my drift.
The state now has a budget and the money should soon start flowing (or is that trickling?) again. Nonetheless, there are still big problems in California. The state had to make big cuts to a number of programs, including in the vital areas of health and education. And, even then, California still has to borrow a couple of billion dollars to close the budget gap.
The people of Shalampax, on the other hand, are rolling in cash thanks to revenue from our cult religion and spam companies. Therein lies the solution to California’s fiscal problems.
Shalampax is a painfully overcrowded nation. With 4,242 people packed onto a tiny speck of an island, we all feel terribly cramped. I think you see where this is going.
A group of our cult religion and spam executives have gotten together and proposed to buy some of California to add to the existing Shalampaxian territory. They aren’t thinking of the whole state, maybe just Catalina Island, which is a little south and west of Los Angeles.
At 22 miles long and 8 miles wide, Catalina Island would seem luxuriously large to us Shalampaxians. If our women weren’t so adamantly opposed to having children, we’d consider expanding the population of our country if we could get Catalina Island.
Here’s the good part: The executives proposing the deal tell me that they could pay full market value—and maybe a little extra as an added incentive—in cash; no IOUs, no mortgages. That should solve the state’s budget problems for at least a couple of years.
Of course, because we are exceptionally xenophobic, we would require vacant possession of the island. And because we find American laws far too stifling for our business sector, Catalina Island would have to secede from the union. Is that a problem?
I checked and, according to the 2000 census, there were 3,696 people living on Catalina Island when the census was taken. Considering there are 4,242 Shalampaxians now living on an island a small fraction of the size of Catalina Island, the Catalina Islanders should have no problem finding somewhere else to live.
What do you think? Do you think the deal will fly?
And sorry, before you ask, no, we would not be willing to take Sarah Palin as part of the deal.
I think California should take it. If they don’t, would you be interested in an enormous refurbished garbage barge off the coast of NJ? I am sure our governor would be willing to sell you guys one, cheap.
Or you could just buy the town of Asbury Park and build a huge wall around it. I don’t think anyone lives there any more and there is maybe just a handful of businesses left that might have to move.
Make a deal with one of our many crooked politicians and ask them to give it to you for free, stay out of your way, and you’ll give them 1% of all the money you make for the entire time you guys are occupying the land.
Considering what you guys make, that would probably be more than they currently get from money laundering, accepting bribes, and selling human body parts.
@app103: Sorry, the garbage barge wouldn’t appeal to us. However, Asbury Park has potential.
And we prefer to deal with crooked politicians. It’s our belief that, in return for bribes paid into their offshore banks, we can convince them to sell public property for well below the true market value. As a result, we expect that we will be able to buy the property for less money from them, even after paying the bribes, than if we buy from honest politicians. What’s more, buying from crooked politicians saves us the trouble of trying to find an honest politician.
I think the Alaskans would give you several Aleutian islands totally for free if you would just take Sarah Palin with them. Before you jump to conclusions and say hell no, with several islands, you could put her on one of the islands tied down with moose gut cords and leave her there for the bald eagles and vulchers to nosh…thus leaving the Shalampaxians with several complete islands for posterity.
Just think about it, ok?
@David: There’s no chance that the business people behind this offer would accept your proposal unless Palin comes pre-gagged. We wouldn’t want to have to listen to her for one instant while we were preparing her as eagle and vulture-feed.
Besides, we were hoping for something with a better climate. It can’t possible rain or thunder as much in the Aleutian islands as it does in Shalampax, but who needs snow and cold? Certainly not us.