Shalampax Speaks

At 7:30 p.m. tonight, Shatteredeyeglasses will present a half-hour television special titled “Fitness for Couch Potatoes.” The show will be broadcast on Shalampax’s closed-circuit channel 969.

Shatteredeyeglasses has published the following agenda for the program:

1. The Importance of Stretching: Why It’s OK to Yawn

   The first segment of the show examines why it is acceptable to count any involuntary, casual stretching of your arms and yawning as part of your prescribed pre- and post-exercise stretching routine.

2. Beer: Weightlifting Made Easy

   Shatteredeyeglasses tells you the proper way to build muscle by lifting beer bottles from the cooler you’ve placed beside the couch to your mouth. In addition, he’ll show you how to exercise your wrists as you tilt the bottle to pour the beer down your gullet.

   You’ll also get helpful tips on how to perform these exercises properly so you won’t overstrain your biceps, triceps or heart muscles. Pre-show hint: When starting out, have someone else drink the first half of the bottle of beer for you so it will be lighter when it’s your turn. Once you’ve built up your muscles, you can do it all yourself and graduate from drinking 48 half-bottles to 24 full-bottles, or more, during each sitting.

   If you are looking for a way to improve your appearance, this exercise routine is it. Shatteredeyeglasses guarantees that if you precisely follow his instructions, you and those around you will look much better to you after you’ve polished off 24 or more beers.

   (Note: Bottles are heavier than cans. Thus, if you drink from cans rather than bottles you will have to drink more to get the same level of exercise.)

3. Remote Exercise: Remember the Fingers

   Most people never consider the fact that there are muscles in their fingers. This oversight is surprising as many people appreciate the joys of fingering. In this segment, Shatteredeyeglasses will show you how to work the remote control to build your finger muscles.

4. Chips: Doing the Dip

   Eating a super-jumbo bag of potato chips every hour on your own can be fattening. Shatteredeyeglasses will show you how you can work off some of those calories by placing the dip bowl on the coffee table in front of you rather than on your lap or beside you. Getting a rapid rhythm going as you lean forward to put dip on each individual chip—and occasionally double-dipping—can significantly increase your caloric burn rate.

5. Gluteus to the Maximus

   Many couch potatoes are proud of their fat asses. If that’s not you; if you’d like to do a little tightening of your gluteus muscles—the three muscles in each buttock—then be sure to catch the last segment of Fitness for Couch Potatoes. In this portion of the show Shatteredeyeglasses will show you how you can build your gluteus muscles by rolling from a sitting to a lying position once every half-hour during your many hours of TV viewing each day.

   Shatteredeyeglasses will also give hints on how to perform this maneuver without kicking your couch-mate in the groin. Of course, if you want to kick your couch-mate in the groin, you can pretend to be asleep when Shatteredeyeglasses presents these tips. You can then plead ignorance when your couch-mate doubles over in pain. If you’re like most Shalampaxians, it should not be at all difficult to plead ignorance with a straight face.

Here’s the best part. Because Fitness for Couch Potatoes is on television, rather than a live performance, you can watch from the comfort of your own couch and workout along with Shatteredeyeglasses as he takes you through his couch potato exercise routines.