Shalampax Speaks

Currently, the law strictly limits ownership in Shalampaxian companies to Shalampaxian residents. That is about to change.

The Shalampax Securities & Scams Commission (SSSC) has announced that it is getting ready to launch a new stock exchange, the Shalampax Equities eXchange (SEX), that will be open to investors from outside Shalampax.

Online trading will be the order of the day on the SEX. In fact, because no outside brokers are expected to handle SEX-traded stocks, shares sold on the SEX will likely be available only through online systems operated by Shalampax-based firms.

Investors considering taking positions on the SEX should be aware that securities regulations are somewhat different here than in most other countries. For one thing, all trades on the SEX will involve only virgin shares coming straight from the listed companies’ treasuries. Investors who want to divest their shares will have to sell them privately.

The law restricting selling on the SEX to only virgin shares will, deliberately, also make it difficult for investors to engage in the often unsatisfying, rapid in-and-out trading that is so common on other exchanges. Instead, the SEX is looking for investors who are seeking a longer-term commitment, usually lasting through good times and bad, sickness and health, right up until death parts the investor from his or her investment. (In accordance with Shalampaxian law, ownership of the shares will then revert to the company, with a fee paid to the SSSC to cover the transfer costs.)

Disclosure rules are also different for SEX-traded companies than they are for companies listed on most other exchanges around the world.

The SEX, which will be run by the SSSC directly, will be governed by the SSSC’s rules. Shalampaxians’ reputations for chicanery notwithstanding, the SSSC insists that all information disclosed by companies listed on the SEX must be entirely truthful and in no way misleading. (Shalampaxians themselves have come to expect dishonesty, so Shalampaxian companies that choose to not trade on the SEX will still be allowed to lie as much as they want.)

Because the only time Shalampaxian businesspeople don’t lie is when they are not saying anything at all, SEX-listed companies will not be allowed to disclose any information. They will not disseminate or even produce financial reports. They will not issue press releases. And they definitely won’t have investor relations departments. In fact, if an investor emails, calls or faxes the company requesting information, those requests must, by law, be ignored.

Rippedpillow, chairman of the SSSC, explained the rationale behind these non-disclosure rules by saying, “Recent history is replete with much-lamented cases of companies elsewhere that cooked their books and used that false information to inflate their share prices. SEX-listed firms are guaranteed to exceed this shoddy standard of integrity—or, more accurately, lack of integrity—because SEX-listed firms will never release any information about anything. Thus, they will never disclose false information. To make a long story short, when it comes to a company’s share price, lying in order to get it up and stick it to investors will not be tolerated on the SEX.”

All companies contemplating SEX listings have said that they do not plan to ever pay dividends or initiate share-buyback programs. They do, however, intend to send investors really nice birthday and seasonal cards at appropriate times.

Because these regulations and business customs are unfamiliar to most people outside of Shalampax, the SSSC realizes it has a lot of missionary work to do before foreign investors will feel comfortable having a go at investing on the SEX. However, the SSSC is prepared to carry out the investment community marketing thrust necessary to make it happen.

The SSSC has not announced a launch date for the SEX because it yearns to take the time needed to do it right rather than launch prematurely. However, upon being asked when he expected the SSSC to get it up and make the SEX an object of investors’ desires, Rippedpillow ejaculated, “Soon! The SEX will be hot no time!”

So, if you want to get in on the Shalampax wealth, start selling off your other stocks, marshal your money and get ready to put it into the SEX.