Shalampax Speaks

Jealousy does not arise often in Shalampaxians. We’re usually much to lazy and apathetic to bother being jealous.

Nonetheless, Emptybucket has become intensely envious of the success of Toiletoverflowing’s philosophy lecture series. (In Shalampax, a lecture is considered to be successful if two or more people attend, at least one of whom stays awake for 40 percent or more of the lecture.)

To get back in the game and attempt to rival Toiletoverflowing’s success, Emptybucket has revived his intermittent lecture series. Unlike Toiletoverflowing, Emptybucket does not have an overarching theme for his series. Instead, he talks about any thoughts that manage to penetrate his head at the time. Knowing Emptybucket’s mental capacity, it is hard to imagine that he’ll be giving any more than one or two lectures per month.

If Emptybucket can maintain the quality that he demonstrated in his most recent talk, I think he can give Toiletoverflowing a real run for his money.

Yesterday evening, I had the near pleasure of attending a lecture by Emptybucket titled “Drinking Responsibly.” I’m pretty sure that I was awake for not just 40 percent of the lecture, but probably almost 50, maybe even 55 percent of it. Despite the fact that, judging from the snoring, I can’t say the same for the other two audience members, my duration of consciousness was definitely sufficient to award Emptybucket’s talk a “success” label.

Don’t take my word for the worth of the lecture. Consider the following pearls of wisdom that I learned at Emptybucket’s session on drinking responsibly:

• Drinking massive quantities of alcohol will lead to peeing massive quantities of urine. It is irresponsible to pee on the floor. Therefore, when you’re doing a heavy bout of drinking, make sure you leave for your washroom breaks early enough such that you won’t have any accidents on the way. Either that or use a catheter that empties into a large jug positioned beside you. Better yet, use a catheter with a long tube that will carry your pee all the way into the washroom.
• Toilets have a finite capacity. Therefore, if you use the long-tube catheter method of disposing of your urine, appoint a designated flusher who will agree to remain sufficiently sober to walk to the washroom every once in a while in order to flush the toilet.
• It is irresponsible to ignore the needs of others. Therefore, a few days before going on a drinking binge, call the bar and let them know you are coming. That way, the bar will able to lay in an adequate stock so that there will be enough for the other patrons as well.
• Alcohol evaporates very quickly. Therefore, once you are so intoxicated that you have trouble finding your mouth, ask someone more sober than you to help you pour the booze down your throat. Remember, in the challenging economic times that the rest of the world is experiencing, all waste is irresponsible.
• If your blood-alcohol level rises to the point where your bloodstream is 50 percent or more alcohol, the stuff flowing through your veins will be flammable. Needless to say, this is very unhealthy. Therefore, for health and safety reasons, long before you reach this point move far away from any open flames. Otherwise, even a minor cut could be catastrophic.

By taking these few tips to heart—not to mention the tips that I slept through—we can all learn to drink more responsibly.

Thank you Emptybucket. After that almost stirring lecture, I’ll make every effort to pretend to look forward to your next one. Oh, and the alcoholic beverages that you served before, during and after your talk were greatly appreciated. Be sure to provide the same libations at your next one.