False Sports Rumor
A rumor that has been spreading around Shalampax of late has, much out of character for Shalampaxians, resulted in considerable sports training and practice here. Scuttlebutt around our island led many people to believe that a new sport was about to enter medal competition in the next Olympics, bypassing the usual route of being played as a demonstration sport at one or two Olympic games first before becoming a medals event.
It was felt that, despite Shalampaxians’ lack of muscles, coordination and drive, which has made Olympic dreams impractical in the past, we could excel in this new sport if we worked hard at it. Yes; yes, I know; Shalampaxians aren’t known for working hard—quite the opposite—but this sport really captured Shalampaxians’ interest and generated significant enthusiasm around here.
I don’t know how the athletes thought they would be able to attend the Olympics, but avoid arrest under the multiple international warrants that have been sworn out against virtually all Shalampaxians. Nonetheless, that did not stop them from going all out for their sport. They’ve been giving it all they’ve got and they are to be commended for that.
Unfortunately, I have bad news for the aspiring competitors. Through extensive research and massive bribing of people inside the Olympic organization, I’ve learned that the rumor is false. Masturbation will not become an Olympic sport any time soon.
I’m afraid you’ll have to continue your sport for the pure pleasure and glory of it, not for the medals. Sorry about that, guys and gals. I know how hard you’ve worked in the hopes of pulling off or fingering a gold.
Sorry for taking this off-topic, but we share a commenter, David. He recently suggested that there was a strong reason for me to never visit Shalampax, but he was vague about what that reason was. I was going to let it drop, but now I’m intrigued. Can you shed any light on what he was referring to?
@Joel Klebanoff: He was probably referring to the fact that most Shalampaxians are exceptionally xenophobic, to the point that we eat (and not in a good way) any foreigners who manage to venture onto our island. But don’t let that discourage you. We’d appreciate adding more fresh meat to our diets.
@Birdinhand: Um, OK. No offense, but I think I’ll remove Shalampax from my list of places to visit before I die. Either that or maybe I’ll just move it to the end of the list. Considering your cannibalism, any higher on the list would, obviously, be pointless.
Too bad about masturbation not being an Olympic sport – although I suspect your athletes would find that the competition is stiff. hehe
Anyhoo – I have a potential solution to those arrest warrants if your athletes do find an Olympic event in which they are competitive – the government of Shalampax should declare all the athletes as diplomats thus making them immune to foreign prosecution. Ta Da! You may thank me now.
@David: Yes, and they’ve been pulling so hard to ensure that they are the best at their sport. At least, the males have been pulling hard. The females have been using other techniques.
As to your suggestion about diplomatic immunity, I don’t think that will work. I don’t know of a single other country that recognizes Shalampax as a valid country, so I doubt they’ll recognize our diplomats as valid diplomats.
In a different vein, those comments by your Johnny-come-lately visitor, Joel Klebanoff, struck a chord with me. Here in the US of A there was a kerfuffle a few years ago about the unorthodox methods of one Dr. Kevorkian. It seems some of our citizens take issue with doctor assisted suicide. A quick trip to Shalampax would provide a perfect solution – and a win-win considering Shalampaxians get a free meal. And marketing to the clinically depressed can bring in a flood of opportunity.
I’ve submitted my documents to the Patent Office for Suicide By Vacation so the scammers and spammers are on notice to pay me royalties…and not in Shalampaxian Shekel-Shillings either.
@David: We welcome your efforts to increase the protein in our diets. However, our spam firms do not pay royalties. So, if your patent application is successful, our spam firms will either stay away from your money-making scheme or pursue it and ignore your demands for royalties.
I was sure that would be the case. I just wanted to taunt them into doing it in a way they think they are getting away with something.
We really need to unload a bunch of old people before Sarah Palin’s death squads get into the action and take all the fun out of offing the elderly.
@David: From what I’ve read, Sarah Palin will probably take the fun out of anything except hunting and skinning game. (Unless, of course, it’s one of her own children having the fun.)