Shalampax Speaks

There’s word of a shocking sex scandal to tell you about, peeps. Once again, shame has tainted Brokentoaster, a backbench Member of Parliament.

You might recall that his name made news a while back as a result of an expenses scandal in which it was discovered that Brokentoaster was a hopeless underachiever when it came to bilking the government through fraudulent expense claims.

This time, Brokentoaster, who is married and, to the best of his recollection, has one or two children, was found to be having an affair. Affairs are not normally news here in Shalampax, but Brokentoaster’s case is a little out of the ordinary.

For the past year, Brokentoaster has been engaged in a torrid love affair with a drop-dead gorgeous, busty blow-up rubber doll that he ordered from a sex toy manufacturer in Argentina. Breaking with Shalampaxian traditions for naming sex dolls, which are the same as the Shalampaxian traditions for naming humans, Brokentoaster calls his doll Maria.

Asked for her reaction, Brokentoaster’s wife of 17 years, Lockpick, appeared unmoved and even forgiving. “Well, at least he won’t be catching any sexually transmitted diseases from his doll,” Lockpick said. “That’s more than I can say for the two or three dozen men I’ve been having affairs with while married to Brokentoaster.”

Ignoring his wife’s and his long-neglected children’s blatant indifference, Broakentoaster had tears, or possibly eye drops, in his eyes when he sobbed that, “I am deeply troubled over the terrible pain I have caused my family, whom I like beyond words. There is no excuse for my actions. All I can say in my defense is that I have found my true soul mate in Maria.”

After his affair was exposed, Brokentoaster became intensely devoted to the practice of Paahlmism, the dominant religion here in Shalampax. As prescribed by Paalmist teachings, he has been consuming large quantities of coconut milk as penance for his sins. Brokentoaster assures his family, friends and constituents that his newfound commitment to his religion and to the glory of Paahlm have saved him.

Fortunately for Brokentoaster, Paahlmism does not have a lot of other strictures or practices, so his daily penance has not in any way impeded his continuing affair with Maria.

Other members of parliament are, needless to say, shocked at this turn of events. Brokentoaster has already been sentenced to serve an extra term in parliament as a result of his criminal underperformance at issuing false expense claims. His colleagues are now calling for him to be forced to serve a second additional term as punishment for his latest indiscretion.