Shalampax Speaks

As many of you may know, Shalampax has no taxes per se. Instead, the government satisfies itself with the funds that it can scrounge by picking citizens’ pockets.

This has always been more than adequate to meet the government’s needs and to richly line our politicians’ pockets. Nonetheless, it does not provide sufficient funds for the government to undertake any grand projects.

Lately, this has deeply bothered Manexposinghimself, our prime minister. He would like to see Shalampax embark on a mission that will make the world stand up and take notice.

Manexposinghimself already has a project in mind. He wants Shalampax to have its own space program; and not just any space program. He wants Shalampax to design, build and launch spacecraft and equipment capable of shifting the orbits of planets.

The prime minister does not intend to impose any taxes to implement this project. Instead, he’ll throw in a few thousand out of the millions of dollars he has. In addition, he plans to approach the hundreds of multi-billionaires and four or five multi-trillionaires (the exact numbers are uncertain) in Shalampax and ask them to provide funds for the space program. Our computer hackers will be expected to extract any remaining requirements out of other countries’ bank accounts.

When people first heard about this audacious space proposal, they immediately assumed that Manexposinghimself wanted to develop the capability to save humanity and, more importantly, himself should a monstrous, life-destroying asteroid head toward earth.

On reflection, people realized this likely wasn’t Manexposinghimself’s rationale for the project. The probability that such a large asteroid will strike earth during his lifetime (or, to be more precise, what his lifetime would be in the absence of such an asteroid) is extraordinarily small. And Manexposinghimelf doesn’t give a damn about the rest of humanity; not in the least. So why would he waste his time and a few thousand of his millions of dollars on such a project?

When pressed, Manexpsoinghimself revealed the real reason for wanting to embark on this space adventure. Over the past few weeks he has been extremely displeased with his horoscope. He figures he can change it by nudging some of the more influential planets out of their current orbits.

Some of the few sane people here in Shalampax pointed out to Manexposinghimself that he could achieve equally effective results at a much lower cost by simply bribing the astrologer to change her horoscope, but he would have none of it. When it comes to bribes, Manexposinghimself is very principled. He happily and frequently accepts bribes, but he refuses to pay them. So his campaign for a space program continues.

Good luck, Manexposinghimself. I, for one, am cheering for you in your quest to slip the surly bonds of earth.