Infant Mystery Solved
I’m sure that all of my peeps reading this are well aware that Tuboflard, the Chief Medical Officer at the Shalampax Medical Clinic, is, to say the least, considerably less than enamored with her role as a mother of triplets. Thus, it will come as no surprise that Scurryingcockroach, a recent visitor to Tuboflards’ apartment, was shocked when she saw only two of the triplets playing in their baby litter box. The third infant was nowhere to be seen.
Scurryingcockroach feared the worst. (Or the best, depending on your point of view. Most Shalampaxians consider children to be a terrible bother.) Being still of child-bearing age, a panic set over Scurryingcockroach when she realized that, if Tuboflard had killed one of her infants, Scurryingcockroach herself might suffer the misfortune of being chosen to fill Shalampax’s population gap.
Without proof, Scurryingcockroach didn’t want to confront Tuboflard with serious allegations of evil behavior. However, Scurryingcockroach was eager to make those accusations, particularly in public, because her life is rather empty and she takes her entertainment wherever she can find it.
Excusing herself to go to the bathroom, Scurryingcockroach began a thorough search of Tuboflard’s apartment. If discovered during her hunt for the missing baby, Scurryingcockroach planned to say that she got lost on the way to the bathroom.
In retrospect, Scurryingcockroach needn’t have prepared an alibi. After getting up in the morning, Tuboflard usually immediately settles into a chair next to the well-stocked refrigerator that she installed in her living room. Tuboflard almost never leaves her perch until late in the evening, when she gets up to change her adult diaper and go to bed.
Consequently, there was little chance that Tuboflard would have gotten up from her chair. All she inferred from Scurryingcockroach’s lengthy absence was that Scurryingcockroach must have been suffering from diarrhea. Being Chief Medical Officer, Tuboflard knew that this was a common ailment in Shalampax due to the condition of the food in Shalampax’s grocery store and restaurants.
Not finding the third baby despite a thorough investigation, and knowing that no one else in Shalampax would consent to take care of any of the little brats, Scurryingcockroach confronted Tuboflard with allegations of wrongdoing. Tuboflard became alarmed because she knew that, if the baby was not found, Tuboflard might be charged with infanticide.
In Shalampax, infanticide is only a misdemeanor, but it is still a crime, so Tuboflard made the incredible effort of shifting her body so she could turn enough to scan the entire living room from her perch.
Tuboflard did not immediately spot her third child, but her motion was enough to solve the mystery. Scurryingcockroach saw that the missing child was not missing at all. Instead, she had been playing happily, but unnoticed underneath one of Tuboflard’s rolls of fat. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your point of view), there was enough of an air pocket under there that the baby had no trouble breathing.
With great regret at having reason to do so, Scurryingcockroach apologized to Tuboflard for accusing her of wrongdoing. Scurryingcockroached then shuffled morosely off to her own apartment.
Well, I can certainly understand how she might misplace one of them. And if they were identical triplets, she might have thought there were three there jumping around (as they tend to do), when there were actually only two.
We have a problem, here on our continent, in the workplace wherein if one identifies and informs management about a certain problem, that person is assigned the responsibility of solving said problem regardless of their expertise so I can readily appreciate why Scurryingcockroach would be reluctant to point out the absence of the third triplet. Although I don’t grasp why it is prohibited for the population to fall below 4242. I can see not going over with the limits of space and resources but I should think that most Shalampaxians would appreciate the population reduction since that would eventually result in redistribution of assets making everyone still living proportionately richer.
But in all fairness (which I gather is a concept not recognized on Shalampax) wouldn’t it be appropriate to require Tuboflard to give birth to the replacement baby if she had in fact eliminated/killed/misplaced the third triplet.
@Patricia: Yes, and Tuboflard is not very observant, which is a common affliction among Shalamapaxians.
@David: The possibility of being assigned responsibility for making up the deficit didn’t particularly worry either Scurryingcockroach or Tuboflard. We have a perfectly fair custom for choosing the woman who will bear the needed child. The methodology involves coconuts falling on heads and it is quite random. So neither of them were more or less likely to be chosen for that burden than any other Shalampaxian woman in her child-bearing years.
We try to keep the population at exactly 4242 because the favorite author of most Shalampaxians, the late Douglas Adams, made it perfectly clear to all who chose to listen that 42 is the answer to the ultimate riddle of the universe. Thus, 4242 is twice blessed.
>>>Being still of child-bearing age, a panic set over Scurryingcockroach when she realized that…herself might suffer the misfortune of being chosen to fill Shalampax’s population gap.
This quote from this important bulletin leads me to conclude that your response was disingenuous when you state “being assigned responsibility for making up the deficit didn’t particularly worry either Scurryingcockroach or Tuboflard.”
I’m having some difficulty reconciling “panic” with not being particularly worried. Yet, I recognize the distinct possibility that Shalampax uses far different definitions of words in the English language than we do in North America.
@David: What I was trying to say, rather poorly as you point out, is that she was panicked over the fact that someone of child-bearing age–which includes her–would have to make up for the gap if one of Tuboflard’s children died. However, while she was panicked over the possibility that it might happen, because of the way we make the child-bearer selection, she had no concern that by being the one to expose the shortfall she would be be more likely to be the one chosen. That’s not the way things work here.
Ok, I get your point and understand the custom of selection of the unfortunate woman who must bear the replacement demon spawn when the population falls below the 4242 quota.
Naturally this leads me to the next logical question – why would any Shalampax woman of child-bearing years hoist herself off of her comfortable sofa and venture out of her apartment and leave the sanctity of the Shalampax building to stroll under the revered coconut palm trees to risk being selected by the great Paahlm as the next incubator?
Inquiring minds need to know.
@David: I really wish you wouldn’t ask questions like that. Our very society — such as it is — utterly depends on us not thinking about such things.
Why would women participate in that process? You might as well ask why do all Shalampaxian adults — men and women alike — participate in Shalampax’s unique parliament selection process? We do it because we do it.
It is like religions that exist only because their members accept them on faith; without question; without evidence; and without rational analysis. You’re not suggesting that people abandon religion, are you?
We do these things because we do these things. If we stop to think about them our feeble little society would shatter beyond repair.