Shalampax Speaks

I took so much flack following the publication of yesterday’s column concerning Bentteaspoon’s spiritual crisis that I thought I had entered a war zone. Owners of some of Shalampax’s more profitable cult religion companies complained loudly about my having revealed that most of them have, “bank accounts with balances totaling several billion dollars.”

The cult religion owners admitted that my words were technically accurate, however they feared that my revelation about their wealth created a false impression that will cause them harm.

In reality, the more successful cult religion owners have net financial assets totaling at least hundreds of billions of dollars each. And Corkscrew, the owner of Religco, Shalampax’s biggest cult religion company, tells me that he has unencumbered assets worth slightly more than $2.7 trillion.

Upon reading the word “several,” many people likely inferred that I meant something considerably less than hundreds or thousands. So, despite the fact that “hundreds of billions” and “thousands of billions” (i.e., trillions) certainly does fall within the category of “several billion,” I might have left the impression that the titans of our cult religion industry are significantly less successful than they are. The cult religion owners claimed that their reputations would suffer serious harm if the public came to believe a misconception such as that.

On reflection, I see their point. I apologize for any misconceptions that might have been created by my careless choice of words.

Now that I’ve gone out of my way to correct the record, I expect the owners of our cult religion companies to occasionally pick up the check when we go out to a restaurant together. Although, that’ll be a surprise because, in the past, I’ve never seen them reach into their pockets except to play with themselves.